He just doesn't like it!

X and I had a heart-to-heart yesterday that left me in a difficult place. Most of our play time sessions go like this: he takes care of me, I tie him up and do other things to him, we have sex (but he doesn't finish) and I finish him with fellatio. It works for us as a routine, but it also means we haven't tried any other positions in years because he's usually tied up by then. And missionary is pretty impossible if you can't move your arms or legs.

So what I asked him was if he actually likes coitus. He never finishes (although that's also a question of being paranoid about pregnancy) and it goes on for as long as I want. He said he doesn't mind it, but it's not his favorite, no. So what do you do with a partner that doesn't like "sex"?

1. Acknowledge that sex is more than just coitus. There is so much more that can bring pleasure. There's kissing and petting. There's manual. There's oral. There's nipple play and butt play. There's BDSM play. There's reading each other erotica. There's masturbation (mutual or otherwise). There's watching porn. There's a whole lot of things one can do that are "sex" without being a penis in a vagina.

2. Acknowledge that it's okay to be selfish. He doesn't mind it, but I like it. So why not keep doing it? It's a service to me that he doesn't mind doing. So it's okay to keep indulging.

3. Focus on what other things you like to do together. X is great with his mouth, something I don't take advantage of enough. One thing we used to do a lot of is he'd lie on his back, I'd sit on his face and pin his arms down with my knees. I get oral pleasure, he gets a little bit of bondage, and everyone wins. We should do that more often.

For me, the most important part about sex is the connection I feel with X and being close to him. If the coitus isn't that great, that's okay! We can still be there for each other in other ways. He's still a caring and loving partner and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else.

Diagnosis #2 - Conclusive!

I finally saw my OBGYN on Monday for my breast pain. She did detect a cyst in the right breast, but nothing in the left (so primary doctor doesn't fully know what he's talking about). She also said that sometimes this is just a part of aging, which took me back. I mean, I'm 33, but I think like I'm 29. I still feel young. I still feel like I have the world in front of me. Aging? Really?

She prescribed evening primrose oil for me to take twice daily. You can get it at GMC. Or you can send your husband to get it for you, like I did. I've been taking it faithfully and I do see a difference. The "pain" has gone down to just a tenderness and I can work with that. Who knows where it will be by the end of next week (when I will have taken the primrose oil for two weeks)?

In the meantime, sex is back on! X and I haven't been intimate for six weeks and that needs to change. We have nothing to do this weekend and I have great plans for him involving a red lace cami for me and leather straps for him.

Soon I'll give you guys a post on the effects and beauty of aging. Stay tuned!

Opposites Attract

So X and I have been taking Argentine tango lessons for about six weeks now. I absolutely love it. I love the intimacy of it, the subtlety of it. I love the movements and the music. X...not so much. He's decided it's just not his thing and he doesn't want to do it anymore. I respect that. It's just one more thing X and I don't have in common.

We are actually very, very different for a married couple. He gets up around 7:30. I sleep in til 10. He goes to bed around 10pm, latest. I like to stay up til midnight. I like trying new foods, he doesn't. I love dancing. He dances just to satisfy me. He loves computers. I'm lucky I know what a monitor is. He's majorly into politics. I'm lucky I know who the Vice President is. He's dedicated to his choir. I go to mine maybe twice a month. So we're very different people.

Is this a bad thing? Far from it! Being so different encourages us to grow in ways we wouldn't without each other. Take the politics thing. I now listen to political talk radio and I've started watching the presidential debates - Republican and Democrat alike. His enthusiasm encourages me to learn about it.

Take the dancing thing. X is now a beautiful ballroom dancer. He's not always into the same styles I am - see the Argentine thing for an example - but he dances really well and does great in ballroom. We're the talk of the town when we go out together. People come up to us and compliment us on our dancing - and I couldn't do that without him.

Take the BDSM thing. I had only dabbled in blind folds and ropes before him. Now they're standard, I have multiple whipping/beating instruments, and we're trying new things all the time. By being different and being willing to share his world with me, he opens mine and helps me grow as a person.

But H, you say, how can you be a couple if you are different in so many ways? We're alike in the ways that matter. We value the same things in life and in people. We value the qualities, if not always the habits or hobbies, of the other person. Neither of us wanted a ball and chain. We wanted a partner. And partners can work independently of each other.

We have separate friends, too. I see A and K for dinner at least once a month, but X still has a hard time telling them apart. Before we go to see his work friends, I always get X to remind me of their names. And that's okay! Just because you're married, your worlds do not have to become one.

And this doesn't mean I'm not crazy about him, because I really am. He's a devoted, loving, strong, independent, smart, caring, clever, funny man and I love him to bits. And he feels the same way about me. Being married doesn't mean you become one unit. It means you become a team. And we make a great team.

For those of you considering a new relationship - be it a friendship or a romance - look at the externals, sure, but look past that. X doesn't love my tattoo (or the fact that I want to get more), but he loves that I got it because I was passionate about dancing. I don't love politics, but I love his fire for it and it encourages me to learn more about the world around me.  X doesn't care about my knitting, but he knows I love it and so he supports me in my art and craft.

If you go beyond the "what they do" into the "why they do it," you may find amazing people.

Diagnosis #1 - Error!

Continuing with my breast pain story, I saw my primary care physician this morning. I've only seen him once before for a routine physical, so I didn't fully trust him, but I had no reason NOT to trust him, so I thought I'd give it a go. He examined my breasts and told me I had multiple cysts in both breasts, which could be contributing to the pain. He said PMS can make these inflamed, but that it should go away. Just to be sure, he sent me for an ultrasound.

I was able to get the ultrasound same day, only an hour later. Go efficient health care! And, doubly efficient, they were able to give me the results right there: no cysts. No tumors or growths either, but no cysts. So we know a few things:

1. Primary care physician is a quack.
2. I don't have cancer.
3. We still don't know why I'm having pain.

Next stop was to call my OBGYN, Dr. M., who I trust completely. She wouldn't be able to see me until next week. Her nurse felt like that was too long, so they're getting me in with a midwife on Monday, who will most likely send me for a mammogram.Yay? (Mammograms hurt.) No, this is a "yay." It's more data so we can figure out what's wrong with me.

In the meantime, sex is definitely off the table. X likes to spend most of his time on my boobs and the way they are now, they can't handle pressure. Fortunately, X is incredibly understanding. He hasn't pressured me at all. We still kiss, we still snuggle at night time, and we're still a great team.

EDIT: The Primary called to tell me about the results of the ultrasound (which I already knew). He stuck with his original diagnosis and said the cysts were too small for the ultrasound to pick up. He also said the pain should just go away on its own. I'm still going for my second opinion on Monday. Quack. 

Update on Life

Sorry I've been away for so long, peoples. Two important things have happened in my life and I'm going to divert from the usual sex talk to share.

1. I got a cat! Her name is Ripley. She's an absolute badass, except that she loves to snuggle. She's amazing.

2. For the past three weeks or so, I've had soreness in my breasts, accompanied by occasional stabbing pains. This is not due to muscle strain or a bad bra or anything like that. It just happens for seemingly no reason. If I press on my breasts with my fingers, they stay sore for a good minute. Sometimes the skin around the same area feels incredibly itchy to the point of painful, but then that also goes away. This is not normal.

Coincidentally, I am also about three weeks late on my period, so for a minute I thought I might be pregnant. One in a million chance. X and I have only had sex once in the past six weeks, we used a condom, and he didn't even finish. So one in a million chance. Just to make sure, I took a pregnancy test and, sure enough, negative. So we're left with not knowing where this pain is coming from or why.

I've got all sorts of crazy ideas about cancer running through my head, even though pain isn't one of the typical symptoms of cancer. But I don't know much about boob conditions, so this will be a chance to learn.

I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow and will hopefully either get an answer or get a referral to get a mammogram or an ultrasound or something like that.

Well wishes, kind thoughts, and prayers are appreciated while we figure out what's plaguing me. In the meantime, I have a very snuggly cat to pet.

Magic Wand Follow-Up

I had a quick debriefing (heh) with X about how it felt when I used the Magic Wand vibrator on his anus and scrotum. Apparently awesome. This is a toy that works for both genders! For all body parts! Give it a try!

New Toy!

I felt like getting myself a treat, so I went for a new toy that I've heard so much about: the Hitachi Magic Wand. And, because I'm a girl who likes penetration, I went for the Pop Your Top Deluxe Kit from Good Vibrations. The Kit consists of a Hitachi Magic Wand, a G-spot silicone attachment, and lube.

But what, dear friends, is a Magic Wand? Well, it looks like a giant microphone with a flexible head. What it does is delivers massive vibration. It only has two speeds, but I only needed to use the lighter one. Fair warning: the vibration power is huge. I had to pad my vulva with a folded washcloth to get it to a comfortable place. But once I did, it was really nice. The head is big enough that it covers the whole vulva and the vibrations are powerful enough that they stimulate all parts at the same time. It can be a little overwhelming and you definitely need some padding to dilute the vibration, but it's pretty awesome.

The version that came with my kit does need to get plugged into the wall, but there are also cordless and chargeable ones on the market. Just look around.

What about the silicone attachment? It's pure silicone, so I had a slightly hard time getting it in; I'm pretty muscular, so my muscles pushed against the silicone and without a hard core, it was a little tricky getting it in. But once I did, it was great. It definitely delivered the vibrations internally as well as still externally. Vibration Palace!

I'd definitely recommend this kit to anyone wanting to take some time for themselves. It can easily be used with a partner or solo. I also used it (with the washcloth) on X' anus and he seemed to like that as well. Give it a shot!

(I haven't tried the lube that came with it because I have plenty of lube of my own, so I can't speak to it, but you only get about two ounces of it anyway, so it's not the focus of this kit by far.)

Also, I can easily see the Magic Wand being useful for regular massage around the neck, shoulders, lower back, etc. Multi purpose tool!

Book Review: The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty

I just finished reading The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty,  written by Anne Rice as A.N. Roquelaure. Conclusion: don't read it.

I picked up this book because it combines fairie tales and sex, two things I'm interested in. Unfortunately, it's basically a story of denigration, abuse, and rape. It shows a culture of BDSM, but at no point do either of the main subs, Prince Alexi or Beauty, give their consent. If anything, it shows how much pain and suffering they go through before they accept that it is their place to be so abused and that they love their captors for it. In the end, Beauty has an act of final rebellion by standing up for herself and is given the most severe punishment the court can think of. This is not the depiction of a healthy BDSM relationship. It is deranged and abusive. The sex scenes are hot, but knowing all along that not all parties are consenting makes it basically glorified rape. Look elsewhere for your erotica.

BJs and Beyond

Well, we posted the vagina post, but what about the penis? The anatomy is more straight forward than female anatomy, but it requires no less attention and respect. And as usual, OJST has done an amazing comic showing all the parts and how to pleasure them with your mouth. Check it out!

Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty...

My original plan for this post was to post all about the vagina. I was going to find a great anatomical picture and put it under a link and talk about the different parts - what they do, what they're called, what to do with them...and then I found out that Oh Joy Sex Toy had already done that!

So here is a link to their guide to the vagina and also, helpfully, how to eat pussy. This is helpful both in instructing your partner and in pleasuring others. Check it out!

And just so you don't think I'm just giving you links all the time, here is the first of "The Vagina Monologues" in which many terms for the vagina are discussed.

I BET YOU'RE WORRIED.

I WAS WORRIED.

THAT'S WHY I BEGAN THIS PIECE.

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT VAGINAS.

, I WAS WORRIED WHAT WE THINK ABOUT VAGINAS

AND I WAS EVEN MORE WORRIED

THAT WE DON'T THINK ABOUT THEM.

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT MY OWN VAGINA.

IT NEEDED A CONTEXT, A COMMUNITY,

A CULTURE OF OTHER VAGINAS.

THERE IS SO MUCH DARKNESS AND SECRECY SURROUNDING THEM,

LIKE THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE,

NOBODY EVER REPORTS BACK FROM THERE.

IN THE FIRST PLACE,

IT'S NOT SO EASY TO EVEN FIND YOUR VAGINA.

WOMEN GO DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS, WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT.

I INTERVIEWED A HIGH-POWERED BUSINESSWOMAN,

SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDN'T HAVE TIME.

LOOKING AT YOUR VAGINA SHE SAID, IS A FULL DAY'S WORK.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET DOWN THERE, ON YOUR BACK,

IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, FULL-LENGTH PREFERRED.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET IN THE PERFECT POSITION,

, WITH THE PERFECT LIGHT

WHICH THEN BECOMES SHADOWE D BY THE ANGLE YOU'RE AT.

YOU'RE TWISTING YOUR HEAD UP, ARCHING YOUR BACK,

IT'S EXHAUSTING.

SHE WAS BUSY.

SHE DIDN'T HAVE TIME.

SO, I DECIDED TO TALK TO WOMEN ABOUT THEIR VAGINAS.

THEY BEGAN AS CASUAL VAGINA INTERVIEWS,

AND THEY TURNED INTO VAGINA MONOLOGUES.

I TALKED WITH OVER 200 WOMEN.

, I TALKED TO YOUNGER WOMEN, OLDER WOMEN, MARRIED WOMEN

LESBIANS, SINGLE WOMEN,

I TALKED TO COLLEGE PROFESSORS, CORPORATE PROFESSIONALS,

ACTORS, SEX WORKERS.

I TALKED TO AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN,

ASIAN-AMERICAN WOMEN, HISPANIC WOMEN,

NATIVE-AMERICAN WOMEN, CAUCASIAN WOMEN,

JEWISH WOMEN.

AT FIRST, WOMEN WERE A LITTLE SHY,

A LITTLE RELUCTANT TO TALK.

BUT ONCE THEY GOT GOING, YOU COULDN'T STOP THEM.

WOMEN LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR VAGINAS, THEY DO.

THEY REALLY DO.

MAINLY BECAUSE NO ONE'S EVER ASKED THEM BEFORE.

LET'S JUST START WITH THE WORD VAGINA.

VAGINA.

IT SOUNDS LIKE AN INFECTION AT BEST.

. MAYBE A MEDICAL INSTRUMENT

"HURRY, NURSE, BRING ME THE VAGINA."

VAGINA.

VAGINA.

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY THE WORD,

IT NEVER SOUNDS LIKE A WORD YOU WANT TO SAY.

IT'S A COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS,

TOTALLY UNSEXY WORD.

IF YOU USE IT DURING SEX, TRYING TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

YOU KILL THE ACT RIGHT THERE.

I'M WORRIED WHAT WE CALL IT AND DON'T CALL IT.

IN GREAT NECK, NEW YORK, THEY CALL IT A "PUSSYCAT".

A WOMAN TOLD ME THERE, HER MOTHER USED TO TELL HER,

"DON'T WEAR PANTIES, DEAR, UNDERNEATH YOUR PAJAMAS,

YOU NEED TO AIR OUT YOUR PUSSYCAT."

IN WESTCHESTER, THEY CALL IT A "POOKIE".

IN NEW JERSEY, A "TWAT".

THERE'S "POWDER BOX",

A "POOCHI", A "POOPI",

A "PEE-PEE", A "POOPALU",

A "POONINANA" AND A "PICHE".

THERE'S "TOADIE", "DEE-DEE",

"NISHI", "DIGNITY",

"COOCHIE SNORCHER",

"COOTER", "LABBE",

"GLADYS SIEGELMAN",

"VA",

"WEE-WEE", "WHORESPOT",

"NAPPY DUGOUT", "MONGO",

"MONKEY BOX", "PAJAMA",

"FANNYBOO", "MUSHMELLOW",

"GHOULIE", "POSSIBLE",

"TAMALE", "TOTTITA", "CONNIE",

A "MIMI" IN MIAMI,

A "SPLIT KNISH" IN PHILADELPHIA.

AND A "SCHMENDE" IN THE BRONX.

I AM WORRIED ABOUT VAGINAS.

Webcomic: Oh Joy Sex Toy by Erica Mohn and Matthew Nolan

I can't say enough good things about Oh Joy Sex Toy, written and illustrated by Erica Mohn and Matthew Nolan. Basically, once a week they review a new sex toy. They talk about the pros and cons, they illustrate its use, they say if they recommend it. The drawings are friendly and the script is clear. Basically, they do what I do, only better and with pictures. Check them out!*

*Check them out, but don't forget about me. They're awesome, but I'm pretty awesome too. :)

Pregnancy!

I just started reading an amazing webcomic that I'll shortly talk about called Oh Joy Sex Toy. They have a great post on pregnancy - exactly how it works and what happens in layman's terms and with great illustrations. NSFW and very educational. Check it out!

Burlesque Club! SAX

I don't tend to frequent strip clubs. I've been to a regular strip club before as well as to Thunder from Down Under (a male stripping organization) and I find them pretty boring on the whole. Plus, I have a dance background, so I tend to be super critical of the routines. This could have been more interesting or this was off time, blah blah. Super critical. So I tend to stay away from them.

For my bachelorette party a few months ago, I wanted to do something kind of sexy and fun, but not a strip club. And I found SAX. SAX is a burlesque club located in Washington, DC. They feature dinner and drinks accompanied by burlesque acts as well as aerial performers (also sexy). Clothes stay on, so it's a PG-13 kind of show, but it's a lot of fun. I'm actually forming a group of people to go back there for my birthday in a couple weeks.

If you're looking for a way to enjoy a sexy show, but you don't want the basic "I just took my shirt off, so be proud of me" or the "glittery g-strings are the way to go" act, I encourage you to look up burlesque shows in your area.  Another term is "cabaret." They're racy, they're a little naughty, but you still feel like a lady/gentleman and not a skeeze. Check it out!

The one complaint I have about it is that, while there is no cover charge, the food and drinks are outrageously priced. I couldn't make it a weekly affair, but for special occasions, sure, why not?  They charge $35 for dinner on weeknights and $50 for weekends (not counting drinks). But you can also stay as long as you want, so it's not such a bad deal. And they have specials for groups. Still, worth checking out.

I'd recommend going to a cabaret or burlesque club for a bachelor/ette party, for a girls'/boys' night out, for a birthday, for an anniversary, for Valentine's Day, or for any other event where you'd like to appreciate the human body. You can google to find events in your area. It's worth the search.

Condom Review

In addition to my recent toy purchases, I found myself needing to refill the condom coffers. I decided to try something new and to order the New Trojan Twisted Pleasure Condom from Good Vibrations. Here are my thoughts on it.

-It's not a particularly thin or thick condom. It's just a latex condom.
-It has a spiral ribbing on the head both inside and outside, which is supposed to provide stimulation for both partners. For myself, I could barely feel it.
-It's got a good amount of lubrication.
-Most interestingly, it has a bulbous shape which really conforms to the shape of the penis. It probably fits the penis best out of any condom I've seen.

I have yet to debrief X on what he thinks about it. If it were just up to me, I'd finish this batch and then go back to my usual thin, studded condoms. But I bought ten of them and they're not bad. They're average. So I'll go though them and see if they grow on me. Worse comes to worst, I can use them for anal.

New Toy!

My dildo collection is...inadequate. I have a giant Rabbit which does all kinds of neat tricks, but it's a little too big for me. I have to be really riled up to want it. I also have a much smaller one that just vibrates, but it's old and doesn't really vibrate anymore. It's still good for basic insertion, but it doesn't really do any tricks. So I thought it was time to do some shopping.

I ended up getting the Dotted Delight Silicone Dildo in Purple from Good Vibrations. Interesting things about it:
1. It is pure silicone, with no hard core at all, meaning it's incredibly flexible and molds to my natural internal curves. (True fact: during coitus, a man's penis bends at a 130 degree angle inside the woman's body. This is known as the "boomerang effect.") It feels pretty natural because of that.
2. It is a "just right" size - bigger than my small (non-vibrating) dildo, smaller than the giant Rabbit.
3. It actually vibrates from two separate sites: there is one vibrating bullet that goes into the nubs meant to stimulate the clitoris, then another bullet that inserts into the shaft to vibrate the actual dildo. This means you get a lot of vibration around the vaginal opening, but not a lot for the head. What this translates to is lots of clitoral stimulation, but almost no g-spot.
4. It picks up lint and debris like you wouldn't believe. Straight out of the box, I had to rinse it off. Not attractive.
5. Being silicone, it responds to water temperature. If you want it warmer, you run it under hot water. If you want it chilly, you can do the same with cold water. Easy peasy.

Conclusions: while I appreciate the flexibility of the silicone, I think I do prefer something with a core to give it a little more rigidity. Also, I want something that will give me g-spot stimulation as well as clitoral. I look at this toy as a learning experience. I now know more of what I want out of a dildo and I can search for it.

If you want something to give you lots of clitoral stimulation, this is a great toy for you. If you're more a g-spot girl (like me), you may want to look elsewhere.

Check out our other pages!

Sure, you read the blog, but have you checked out the pages?  I have two pages other than the main blog that you should check out: Books and Websites. Both are used for reviews of all different types of reading material and resources. I'm always updating them with new information, so check them out.

Also, if you have a book or a website you think I should check out and review, send it over to me and I'll be happy to take a look at it!

Webcomic: Chester 5000 by Jess Fink

Offbeat Home just put out a list of five awesome sexy webcomics. I'm making it my goal to read through them and review them for you dear readers. Our first webcomic is Chester 5000 by Jess Fink. It's a non-speaking woman-positive webcomic set in the Victorian era featuring sex-robots. I suppose you could technically call it steampunk because it has advanced technology in the Victorian era, but it's not really focused around that and there are no dirigibles. It's just lots of hot sex. With robots.

One interesting thing is that, except for a humorous side story, there's no dialogue. There are (written) sound effects, but no dialogue, but Fink still tells a good story. Well done, Fink.

Another thing to note is that it doesn't update very often and the strips are short, so if you do want to include this in your routine reading, check it every week or two and not daily.

I'd definitely recommend this webcomic. It's cute, it's sweet, it's hot, it has robots, corsets, and tea time. How can that be bad?

Happy Holidays!

I'm back! I'm back! No one go away, I'm back!

Where did I go? For Christmas time, we went up to X's family in NY and CT. There was a lot of driving and a lot of awkwardness. Then for New Years, we went over to our friends' place and stayed up late playing games, which was awesome. But now I'm back and we'll resume our regular schedule of updating 1-3 times a week.

We're back! And I missed you.