Coming and Going

True Fact: The Japanese refer to ejaculation as "going" and not "coming," which makes more sense when you think about it. Good for the Japanese.

Today we delve a little into the BDSM lifestyle and we talk about coming...or not coming.

When I was with vanilla men, I heard about "blue balls" all the time, the idea that a man can actually experience pain if he gets aroused and doesn't get to come. I've polled men I've been with and it's true that it can be uncomfortable, but that sensation goes away. Moral: if you don't feel comfortable finishing your partner, for any reason, you don't have to. He's a big boy - he can finish himself. But I digress.

With my vanilla male partners, I'd always finish them off. We'd have fun but things were over pretty much whenever they finished. Then it was cuddle time or nap time or movie time or video game time (yes, G played video games after sex) or whatever time. What X had to explain to me is that as a sub, sometimes there's an exquisite torture in not coming that he enjoys. This was completely counter to everything I'd been taught. Wasn't my worth valued by how great his ejaculation was? Wasn't I only a good partner if I satisfied my man?

What X had to explain to me is that, as a sub, he likes surrendering control. That includes control of his orgasm. It's up to me as a dom to let him come or not, totally depending on my mood. There are some advantages to not letting him finish:
1. It's easier. You're just done when you say you're done.
2. He's more likely to get aroused later, if you want to play more (this can be hours after or days after)
3. It's a way of establishing long term control. Get him riled up, satisfy yourself, then don't let him orgasm again and again. It's a torture, but X likes that.

Let's say you've decided to not give him an orgasm. You want him to wait. How do you stop him from just finishing himself?
-Tie him up
-Male chastity devices.

What are male chastity devices, you say? Essentially, they're penis cages. They can be made out of metal or plastic. Typically, a man inserts his penis into one when he's flaccid and it constricts his growth, making it painful for him to get an erection. This doesn't stop him from actually getting the erection, but it causes pressure and acts as a discomfort - a mini torture device. If you want to see examples of male chastity devices, look here (NSFW).

All chastity devices lock with a key. In order to not lose your key, you can do a couple different things. You can keep it in a special box. The dom can wear it around her neck. You can put it in a safe. Just so long as it's in a safe, easily accessible, easily memorable place, you can pretty much keep it anywhere. 

How do X and I use his cage? In a couple different ways. If he's feeling frisky and I'm not around, he'll often put it on so he can get the feeling of being constricted and being tied up without me being there. It keeps him aroused and in the mood for when I do come around.

His cage also helps him feel frisky for extended periods of time - hours to even days. Cages are designed to be worn for long periods of time - including days and nights. Men can urinate in cages. Cages are waterproof. With some cages, there can be some rubbing that can get uncomfortable, but you're not going to know which cages will rub until you (a) read a bunch of reviews or (b) try one (everyone is shaped differently and each cage will fit a little differently).

When X travels to Seattle for work, he and I like to keep it fun and flirty while he's away. It's a way for us to stay connected and in sync while he's across the country. Usually, he brings his cage with him and locks up when he gets to the hotel. He brings with a tiny travel safe, locks the key inside, and emails me the combination (he does this in a way so that he himself doesn't know what the combination is. Only I do). And like that, he's my long distance slave for as long as I want him trapped. Sometimes I let him out after a day. Sometimes I keep him locked up until he has to get on a plane to come home (we have an agreement that I will always let him out for the flights because his cage is metal and I don't want him to have a hard time getting through security). He loves the suspense of not knowing when he'll get to come and knowing he is still under my control even though he's far away.

And in case you were wondering, you can't see the cage under his clothes. He looks totally normal. It's just our little secret.

Cages can be kind of expensive for good ones (X's was custom sized and made in Germany - I don't have a link, sorry), so talk to your partner before investing in one. Try just tying him up and making him calm down, not letting him orgasm, and see if he likes it or if he gets cranky at you.

Note: If you're going to try this on your partner, talk to him and tell him what you're doing. Say something like "We're going to fool around now and you're going to satisfy me, but I'm not going to let you come because I'm in control. You're just my slave." Give him a warning that it's coming. Don't just say "And, we're done! Thanks, that was fun. 'Family Guy'?" Consider letting him beg (if he's not gagged). You might find the begging really hot and cave in. Or it may make you feel more empowered and you'll hold out. It's up to you and your partner to find something that works. But try not letting him orgasm. He may really like it.

Other Note: there are such things as female chastity devices as well, usually called belts. They're not recommended for long term usage because you can't poop while wearing one. An example is here (NSFW). They also tend to be a little bulky and show under women's clingy clothes.