True Fact: The Japanese refer to ejaculation as "going" and not "coming," which makes more sense when you think about it. Good for the Japanese.
Today we delve a little into the BDSM lifestyle and we talk about coming...or not coming.
When I was with vanilla men, I heard about "blue balls" all the time, the idea that a man can actually experience pain if he gets aroused and doesn't get to come. I've polled men I've been with and it's true that it can be uncomfortable, but that sensation goes away. Moral: if you don't feel comfortable finishing your partner, for any reason, you don't have to. He's a big boy - he can finish himself. But I digress.
With my vanilla male partners, I'd always finish them off. We'd have fun but things were over pretty much whenever they finished. Then it was cuddle time or nap time or movie time or video game time (yes, G played video games after sex) or whatever time. What X had to explain to me is that as a sub, sometimes there's an exquisite torture in not coming that he enjoys. This was completely counter to everything I'd been taught. Wasn't my worth valued by how great his ejaculation was? Wasn't I only a good partner if I satisfied my man?
What X had to explain to me is that, as a sub, he likes surrendering control. That includes control of his orgasm. It's up to me as a dom to let him come or not, totally depending on my mood. There are some advantages to not letting him finish:
1. It's easier. You're just done when you say you're done.
2. He's more likely to get aroused later, if you want to play more (this can be hours after or days after)
3. It's a way of establishing long term control. Get him riled up, satisfy yourself, then don't let him orgasm again and again. It's a torture, but X likes that.
Let's say you've decided to not give him an orgasm. You want him to wait. How do you stop him from just finishing himself?
-Tie him up
-Male chastity devices.
What are male chastity devices, you say? Essentially, they're penis cages. They can be made out of metal or plastic. Typically, a man inserts his penis into one when he's flaccid and it constricts his growth, making it painful for him to get an erection. This doesn't stop him from actually getting the erection, but it causes pressure and acts as a discomfort - a mini torture device. If you want to see examples of male chastity devices, look here (NSFW).
All chastity devices lock with a key. In order to not lose your key, you can do a couple different things. You can keep it in a special box. The dom can wear it around her neck. You can put it in a safe. Just so long as it's in a safe, easily accessible, easily memorable place, you can pretty much keep it anywhere.
How do X and I use his cage? In a couple different ways. If he's feeling frisky and I'm not around, he'll often put it on so he can get the feeling of being constricted and being tied up without me being there. It keeps him aroused and in the mood for when I do come around.
His cage also helps him feel frisky for extended periods of time - hours to even days. Cages are designed to be worn for long periods of time - including days and nights. Men can urinate in cages. Cages are waterproof. With some cages, there can be some rubbing that can get uncomfortable, but you're not going to know which cages will rub until you (a) read a bunch of reviews or (b) try one (everyone is shaped differently and each cage will fit a little differently).
When X travels to Seattle for work, he and I like to keep it fun and flirty while he's away. It's a way for us to stay connected and in sync while he's across the country. Usually, he brings his cage with him and locks up when he gets to the hotel. He brings with a tiny travel safe, locks the key inside, and emails me the combination (he does this in a way so that he himself doesn't know what the combination is. Only I do). And like that, he's my long distance slave for as long as I want him trapped. Sometimes I let him out after a day. Sometimes I keep him locked up until he has to get on a plane to come home (we have an agreement that I will always let him out for the flights because his cage is metal and I don't want him to have a hard time getting through security). He loves the suspense of not knowing when he'll get to come and knowing he is still under my control even though he's far away.
And in case you were wondering, you can't see the cage under his clothes. He looks totally normal. It's just our little secret.
Cages can be kind of expensive for good ones (X's was custom sized and made in Germany - I don't have a link, sorry), so talk to your partner before investing in one. Try just tying him up and making him calm down, not letting him orgasm, and see if he likes it or if he gets cranky at you.
Note: If you're going to try this on your partner, talk to him and tell him what you're doing. Say something like "We're going to fool around now and you're going to satisfy me, but I'm not going to let you come because I'm in control. You're just my slave." Give him a warning that it's coming. Don't just say "And, we're done! Thanks, that was fun. 'Family Guy'?" Consider letting him beg (if he's not gagged). You might find the begging really hot and cave in. Or it may make you feel more empowered and you'll hold out. It's up to you and your partner to find something that works. But try not letting him orgasm. He may really like it.
Other Note: there are such things as female chastity devices as well, usually called belts. They're not recommended for long term usage because you can't poop while wearing one. An example is here (NSFW). They also tend to be a little bulky and show under women's clingy clothes.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Article: Sex and Fertility
A few months ago, the Kinsey Institute released an article talking about how having more sex in general, including during non-fertile times, can increase fertility in women. Basically, it has to do with a woman's body recognizing sperm as a "friendly" foreign agent and not attacking it with antibodies. Check it out!
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Article: Obsessed with Sex
Offbeat Home wrote an article about whether or not poly and sex-positive people (like yours truly) are obsessed with sex. It's a cute, short read. Check it out!
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Sex Furniture
X has been expressing wishes to get a spanking bench with a mechanical spanking tool. What this is is a padded bench he can kneel on with a built in restraint for his wrists. Essentially, he could set the tool to spank him for a period of time and lock in his own wrists (or I could do it for him) so he's trapped and subject to the abuse until the time is up.
If you want to get sex furniture, there are a lot of factors to consider.
If you want to get sex furniture, there are a lot of factors to consider.
- Where will you put it? Sex furniture takes up space. Some of it breaks down for easy storage, but not most of it. You need a secure and warm room with blinds to keep your slave in so you can use it in peace. If you live on your own, like X and I do, a tiny guest bedroom may be the ticket. If you live with a family, you may have to use a walk-in closet or the basement.
- How will you explain it? The best solution is to have sex furniture you can break down and put away or furniture with its own room behind a door you can close. Otherwise, your friends and family will see it and wonder what the heck it is. Either they will figure it out for themselves or they will ask. There's only so many things that look like exercise equipment, so be prepared for that.
- How much use will you get out of it? True, X is excited by the idea of being locked up and unable to escape the spanking, but how often is he actually going to be in the mood for that? People want different things at different times and you want furniture that can be used in multiple ways, ideally.
- Is it cost-effective? Sure, a spanking bench with a mechanical spanking tool sounds like it could be fun, but is it less fun if I tie him up myself and beat him? Is it more fun to have me involved?
Monday, December 7, 2015
Many or One
Today's post is about polyamory. I have a very conflicted view on it and a very conflicted past, so this will be a long and mixed post.
To start off, what is polyamory? Polyamory, or "poly" is being romantically involved with more than one person with the consent of all parties involved. Note the part about consent. If your wife and you agree you can date other people, it's poly. If you decide to see other people without telling your wife, it's cheating. If you and your wife decide to see other people, but you don't tell the third person about your marriage, that is also cheating. Poly relationships involve the consent of all parties involved. Being poly is sometimes referred to as being "open" or being "in an open relationship" but there are qualifiers on that. Typically, being open means you're free to date other people. You can also be in a closed poly relationship, which means seeing more than one person, but only people agreed on by all parties.
Poly relationships are complicated. They can be just as loyal and rewarding as a mono relationship. But they are complicated.
If you're looking for a well written primer on polyamory, I highly recommend reading The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. It's a very honest and practical guide that talks about what makes poly relationships succeed or fail and how you can work with them, either in your own love life or in the lives of your friends.
When I was in college, I fell head over heels in love with a man named G. G was in the process of discovering that he wanted to be poly. First he asked permission to make out with other people, which I agreed to. Now, G and I had a spot on his neck that I would cuddle into. He referred to it as "my spot." He'd come home, see I'd had a a bad day, and ask if I wanted to go to my spot and I'd get a cuddle. It was intimate. One day, after asking if he could have make outs with other people, we were at a small party and he showed interest in a girl. I told him it was okay if he wanted to make out with her. He started getting cozy with her and then told her she could cuddle into his neck in a special spot. I was furious, not that he wanted to make out with this girl, but that he was inviting her into something special belonging to us. He didn't see the problem.
Later in the relationship, things got really bad. We'd have sex, and then he'd start crying because I wasn't the person he wanted to be having sex with. You can imagine what that does to a person. He kept telling me I was amazing and that he wanted to be with me, but he was miserable that he wasn't also with other people. This is a relationship that was unhealthy, not because he wanted to be poly, but because he wasn't taking care of the needs of his primary partner, me.
When you're in a poly relationship, you are just as responsible for the needs of your partner(s) as if you were in a mono relationship. Some people will have easier needs than others, but it is your job to understand all of their needs and to satisfy them. If you can't satisfy all your partners, you need to re-evaluate what you're doing.
Flash forward past G to my next boyfriend, R. We considered ourselves monogamous. We only wanted to be with each other. But before we went to a party, we'd discuss if we wanted to be on "party rules" or "couples rules." "Party rules" meant we could make out with other people, hands over clothes and on the top half only, and that we'd go home together. "Couples rules" meant we acted like a completely monogamous couple, being intimate and making out with just each other. If one of us wanted party rules and the other wanted couples rules, we did couples rules. We considered ourselves a mono couple, but that's poly behavior. And it worked really well for us.
Why did it work so well?
A. It was based on clear and defined rules. We knew how far we could take a make-out. We knew when it was permissible and when it wasn't okay.
B. We respected each other's feelings. If one of us wasn't feeling like party rules, we didn't do it.
C. We made each other a priority.
In order to be in a poly relationship, it's necessary to understand that there is usually a hierarchy. There's a primary couple, a secondary, partner, sometimes a tertiary partner, and so forth. You have to be happy with your role in the hierarchy. When I was about 28, an engaged couple (male-female) I knew very well came to me and asked me if I'd be interested in becoming their third. I was attracted to both of them, physically and mentally. They were good friends and I liked making out in general, so it sounded promising. But they said that they would always be primaries to each other and that everything could change once they got married. Instantly, I wasn't interested. I like attention. I like feeling special. I didn't want to be anyone's secondary. So I know for me to be happy in a poly relationship, I need to be a primary.
Some other people would be happy with a casual relationship. For example, X's last relationship before me was a long distance relationship with S. Now, remember that X is a sub. S was not only not a dom, she was a virgin and not interested in going the leather-and-lace route. But they were still attracted to each other in all the right ways and still wanted to date. So S gave X permission to mess around with a woman local to him, E. He and E had lots of fun, but it was purely physical. He called S when he wanted to talk about his day and to be mushy. When he was feeling kinky, he called E. It gave X an outlet for his sexual behavior while still keeping the integrity of his relationship with S. It worked for them.
But H, you ask, how can you have a trusting relationship if you're having sex with more than one person? Sex isn't important - intimacy is. Sex CAN be an incredibly intimate act, but it doesn't HAVE TO BE. Remember the example of when G wanted to make out with other girls and showed one girl my spot: it wasn't the physical boundaries that bothered me, but the violation of the intimacy. Different couples will define intimacy in different ways. It's up to you to define it and to hold true to it.
For me, where I am now in my life, I could see making out with other people at a party because making out is fun. I could see going back on "party rules" with X. But I would never want to take someone home. I wouldn't want to make out with someone in the bed I share with my husband and I wouldn't want to have sex with them. That's not because X is the perfect lover or anything, but because I save that intimacy for him and I don't want to share that intimacy with anyone else.
G hurt me very deeply as he experimented with polyamory. He was my first lover and as I was trying to explore what it meant to have sex with someone and to have a truly sexual relationship, he wasn't satisfied with what I could give him. I gave him everything I had and it wasn't enough for him. Realistically, we should have broken up a lot sooner than we did, but we held on for too long because, in our own way, we really did love each other. It took a long time for me to realize that nothing I could have done would have saved that relationship and to believe that I could be enough to satisfy someone.
If you get the urge to mess around with other people, before you act, you need to do some soul-searching. What are you looking for? Physical pleasure? Intimacy? Romance? Excitement?
If you're looking for physical pleasure, you could try to go elsewhere, or you could try to spice up your current relationship. Try toys or role play. Try tying him up. If he isn't satisfying you, give him ideas and instructions on how to. One of the best things I did for a relationship back in college was to take a sex book on how to pleasure women and I annotated it with post-it notes, including "I love when you do this" and "I'd like you to try this" and "Never do this." I gave it to my boyfriend as a Valentine's Day Present. He loved it - a customized guide book to your woman's sexual pleasure! Don't we all need that? He studied that thing and did a much better job satisfying me. It was amazing.
If you're looking for intimacy, that can come in many different flavors. Maybe you have trust issues and you need to work on opening up to more people. Try having serious conversations with close friends. Sometimes you just want to cuddle or to hold hands. My best friend, S, and I cuddle and hold hands all the time. I have absolutely no wish to get sexual with her, but we both enjoy physical contact and we're very close, so we snuggle on the couch and we hold hands. When I spend the night, we even share a bed, holding each other like sisters. X is absolutely fine with it because he knows there's no sexual attraction there - it's just how we express our emotional connection in a physical way. Our culture tends to put physical contact in a black-and-white view: if you're touching, it must be sexual. But that's not the case. Think of how a mother touches a child - they hold hands, they kiss on the cheek, they embrace, and it's all familial. Likewise, there may be ways to incorporate more touch into your life to bring more intimacy without getting sexual. The last time I went to a haunted forest, I took my female friend's hand and didn't let go the entire time. I relied on her for comfort while freaks wielded chainsaws around us. That's trust and intimacy, but not sexual.
If you're worried about how someone may take your physical expression of connection, ask permission. If you're sitting at a coffee house table, talking, and things get personal, just ask "May I take your hand?" Your friend will appreciate that you respected their boundaries and will be more likely to acquiesce.
Looking for romance? That's a tricky area. Everyone gets in a rut from time to time with their partner. It's tempting to go somewhere else to get the new-ness and initial burst of energy and romance that comes with a new relationship. I've been with X for 4.5 years and I can honestly say that, while it takes work, the romance I get from him is more satisfying than what I can get from a new relationship. Start by stating your needs in specific terms. Don't just say "I need you to be more romantic with me." Try "I'd like flowers this week." Not everyone is instinctively romantic. Many people need to be coached and trained before they get romantic. Make an effort yourself - write a cheesy poem or call a radio station and dedicate a song to them. Cook dinner for the two of you and get his favorite ice cream for dessert. Try a brand new restaurant with a candlelit dinner. Also try to appreciate the romance in the little things. X is out of town right now and has been for three days. He hasn't sent me flowers or chocolates, but he's made an effort to be online every night this week so we can talk to each other. That's also romance. Look for the little things.
Looking for excitement? There are a couple different things you can do. First, you can try to spice up your relationship by trying new things together. Take a cooking class. Take a dance class. Take an art class. Go to a wine tasting. Go to a live show. Have a picnic. Try biking. Go to a water park. Take a vacation. Do whatever thing is fun for the two of you. You can also do things for yourself that you find exciting. For me, it's going out dancing. I go out blues dancing once a week. Blues dancing is a very intimate, sexy style of couples dancing, but everyone on the dance floor keeps it completely professional. For the three minutes we're dancing, we're close and foxy, but when the dance is over, we thank each other and go our separate ways. I get the thrill of new and exciting people without jeopardizing my relationship with X. Sometimes I get a little riled up from the dancing. I contain myself, come home, and take it out on my husband. Everyone wins.
Some people say that being poly is not a choice, but the way you were born, like being gay. I somewhat agree. I think that at different points in our lives and in our relationships, we have different needs. When I was with G, even though I agreed to let him make out with other people, that did not fill his needs. He needed more. When I was with R, we wanted to make out with other people sometimes, but not all the time. That filled our needs. Now that I'm married to X, I get my thrills from dancing and I get my intimacy from my husband. He fills my needs. As I have grown and matured, my needs have changed. I think that everyone else's do, too. Maybe my needs will change as I get older and I'll want another partner, maybe I'll be happy with X until the day I die. The best thing I can do is to be in tune with my needs and feelings and to be honest with X about them so that we can have a satisfying relationship.
To start off, what is polyamory? Polyamory, or "poly" is being romantically involved with more than one person with the consent of all parties involved. Note the part about consent. If your wife and you agree you can date other people, it's poly. If you decide to see other people without telling your wife, it's cheating. If you and your wife decide to see other people, but you don't tell the third person about your marriage, that is also cheating. Poly relationships involve the consent of all parties involved. Being poly is sometimes referred to as being "open" or being "in an open relationship" but there are qualifiers on that. Typically, being open means you're free to date other people. You can also be in a closed poly relationship, which means seeing more than one person, but only people agreed on by all parties.
Poly relationships are complicated. They can be just as loyal and rewarding as a mono relationship. But they are complicated.
If you're looking for a well written primer on polyamory, I highly recommend reading The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. It's a very honest and practical guide that talks about what makes poly relationships succeed or fail and how you can work with them, either in your own love life or in the lives of your friends.
When I was in college, I fell head over heels in love with a man named G. G was in the process of discovering that he wanted to be poly. First he asked permission to make out with other people, which I agreed to. Now, G and I had a spot on his neck that I would cuddle into. He referred to it as "my spot." He'd come home, see I'd had a a bad day, and ask if I wanted to go to my spot and I'd get a cuddle. It was intimate. One day, after asking if he could have make outs with other people, we were at a small party and he showed interest in a girl. I told him it was okay if he wanted to make out with her. He started getting cozy with her and then told her she could cuddle into his neck in a special spot. I was furious, not that he wanted to make out with this girl, but that he was inviting her into something special belonging to us. He didn't see the problem.
Later in the relationship, things got really bad. We'd have sex, and then he'd start crying because I wasn't the person he wanted to be having sex with. You can imagine what that does to a person. He kept telling me I was amazing and that he wanted to be with me, but he was miserable that he wasn't also with other people. This is a relationship that was unhealthy, not because he wanted to be poly, but because he wasn't taking care of the needs of his primary partner, me.
When you're in a poly relationship, you are just as responsible for the needs of your partner(s) as if you were in a mono relationship. Some people will have easier needs than others, but it is your job to understand all of their needs and to satisfy them. If you can't satisfy all your partners, you need to re-evaluate what you're doing.
Flash forward past G to my next boyfriend, R. We considered ourselves monogamous. We only wanted to be with each other. But before we went to a party, we'd discuss if we wanted to be on "party rules" or "couples rules." "Party rules" meant we could make out with other people, hands over clothes and on the top half only, and that we'd go home together. "Couples rules" meant we acted like a completely monogamous couple, being intimate and making out with just each other. If one of us wanted party rules and the other wanted couples rules, we did couples rules. We considered ourselves a mono couple, but that's poly behavior. And it worked really well for us.
Why did it work so well?
A. It was based on clear and defined rules. We knew how far we could take a make-out. We knew when it was permissible and when it wasn't okay.
B. We respected each other's feelings. If one of us wasn't feeling like party rules, we didn't do it.
C. We made each other a priority.
In order to be in a poly relationship, it's necessary to understand that there is usually a hierarchy. There's a primary couple, a secondary, partner, sometimes a tertiary partner, and so forth. You have to be happy with your role in the hierarchy. When I was about 28, an engaged couple (male-female) I knew very well came to me and asked me if I'd be interested in becoming their third. I was attracted to both of them, physically and mentally. They were good friends and I liked making out in general, so it sounded promising. But they said that they would always be primaries to each other and that everything could change once they got married. Instantly, I wasn't interested. I like attention. I like feeling special. I didn't want to be anyone's secondary. So I know for me to be happy in a poly relationship, I need to be a primary.
Some other people would be happy with a casual relationship. For example, X's last relationship before me was a long distance relationship with S. Now, remember that X is a sub. S was not only not a dom, she was a virgin and not interested in going the leather-and-lace route. But they were still attracted to each other in all the right ways and still wanted to date. So S gave X permission to mess around with a woman local to him, E. He and E had lots of fun, but it was purely physical. He called S when he wanted to talk about his day and to be mushy. When he was feeling kinky, he called E. It gave X an outlet for his sexual behavior while still keeping the integrity of his relationship with S. It worked for them.
But H, you ask, how can you have a trusting relationship if you're having sex with more than one person? Sex isn't important - intimacy is. Sex CAN be an incredibly intimate act, but it doesn't HAVE TO BE. Remember the example of when G wanted to make out with other girls and showed one girl my spot: it wasn't the physical boundaries that bothered me, but the violation of the intimacy. Different couples will define intimacy in different ways. It's up to you to define it and to hold true to it.
For me, where I am now in my life, I could see making out with other people at a party because making out is fun. I could see going back on "party rules" with X. But I would never want to take someone home. I wouldn't want to make out with someone in the bed I share with my husband and I wouldn't want to have sex with them. That's not because X is the perfect lover or anything, but because I save that intimacy for him and I don't want to share that intimacy with anyone else.
G hurt me very deeply as he experimented with polyamory. He was my first lover and as I was trying to explore what it meant to have sex with someone and to have a truly sexual relationship, he wasn't satisfied with what I could give him. I gave him everything I had and it wasn't enough for him. Realistically, we should have broken up a lot sooner than we did, but we held on for too long because, in our own way, we really did love each other. It took a long time for me to realize that nothing I could have done would have saved that relationship and to believe that I could be enough to satisfy someone.
If you get the urge to mess around with other people, before you act, you need to do some soul-searching. What are you looking for? Physical pleasure? Intimacy? Romance? Excitement?
If you're looking for physical pleasure, you could try to go elsewhere, or you could try to spice up your current relationship. Try toys or role play. Try tying him up. If he isn't satisfying you, give him ideas and instructions on how to. One of the best things I did for a relationship back in college was to take a sex book on how to pleasure women and I annotated it with post-it notes, including "I love when you do this" and "I'd like you to try this" and "Never do this." I gave it to my boyfriend as a Valentine's Day Present. He loved it - a customized guide book to your woman's sexual pleasure! Don't we all need that? He studied that thing and did a much better job satisfying me. It was amazing.
If you're looking for intimacy, that can come in many different flavors. Maybe you have trust issues and you need to work on opening up to more people. Try having serious conversations with close friends. Sometimes you just want to cuddle or to hold hands. My best friend, S, and I cuddle and hold hands all the time. I have absolutely no wish to get sexual with her, but we both enjoy physical contact and we're very close, so we snuggle on the couch and we hold hands. When I spend the night, we even share a bed, holding each other like sisters. X is absolutely fine with it because he knows there's no sexual attraction there - it's just how we express our emotional connection in a physical way. Our culture tends to put physical contact in a black-and-white view: if you're touching, it must be sexual. But that's not the case. Think of how a mother touches a child - they hold hands, they kiss on the cheek, they embrace, and it's all familial. Likewise, there may be ways to incorporate more touch into your life to bring more intimacy without getting sexual. The last time I went to a haunted forest, I took my female friend's hand and didn't let go the entire time. I relied on her for comfort while freaks wielded chainsaws around us. That's trust and intimacy, but not sexual.
If you're worried about how someone may take your physical expression of connection, ask permission. If you're sitting at a coffee house table, talking, and things get personal, just ask "May I take your hand?" Your friend will appreciate that you respected their boundaries and will be more likely to acquiesce.
Looking for romance? That's a tricky area. Everyone gets in a rut from time to time with their partner. It's tempting to go somewhere else to get the new-ness and initial burst of energy and romance that comes with a new relationship. I've been with X for 4.5 years and I can honestly say that, while it takes work, the romance I get from him is more satisfying than what I can get from a new relationship. Start by stating your needs in specific terms. Don't just say "I need you to be more romantic with me." Try "I'd like flowers this week." Not everyone is instinctively romantic. Many people need to be coached and trained before they get romantic. Make an effort yourself - write a cheesy poem or call a radio station and dedicate a song to them. Cook dinner for the two of you and get his favorite ice cream for dessert. Try a brand new restaurant with a candlelit dinner. Also try to appreciate the romance in the little things. X is out of town right now and has been for three days. He hasn't sent me flowers or chocolates, but he's made an effort to be online every night this week so we can talk to each other. That's also romance. Look for the little things.
Looking for excitement? There are a couple different things you can do. First, you can try to spice up your relationship by trying new things together. Take a cooking class. Take a dance class. Take an art class. Go to a wine tasting. Go to a live show. Have a picnic. Try biking. Go to a water park. Take a vacation. Do whatever thing is fun for the two of you. You can also do things for yourself that you find exciting. For me, it's going out dancing. I go out blues dancing once a week. Blues dancing is a very intimate, sexy style of couples dancing, but everyone on the dance floor keeps it completely professional. For the three minutes we're dancing, we're close and foxy, but when the dance is over, we thank each other and go our separate ways. I get the thrill of new and exciting people without jeopardizing my relationship with X. Sometimes I get a little riled up from the dancing. I contain myself, come home, and take it out on my husband. Everyone wins.
Some people say that being poly is not a choice, but the way you were born, like being gay. I somewhat agree. I think that at different points in our lives and in our relationships, we have different needs. When I was with G, even though I agreed to let him make out with other people, that did not fill his needs. He needed more. When I was with R, we wanted to make out with other people sometimes, but not all the time. That filled our needs. Now that I'm married to X, I get my thrills from dancing and I get my intimacy from my husband. He fills my needs. As I have grown and matured, my needs have changed. I think that everyone else's do, too. Maybe my needs will change as I get older and I'll want another partner, maybe I'll be happy with X until the day I die. The best thing I can do is to be in tune with my needs and feelings and to be honest with X about them so that we can have a satisfying relationship.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Home Alone
As previously mentioned, X often travels to Seattle, across the country, for work. This leaves me home alone for anywhere from 1-2 weeks at a time. It is very easy to get into a rut of going to work, coming home, watching TV all night long, and just being lonely, horny, and miserable. If your lover isn't available for long periods of time, here are some ways to make the time go by faster.
1. Clean. Cleaning is cathartic. It's a great use of energy, it's incredibly satisfying when it's done, and your lover will love coming home to a clean house. Fold some laundry. Scrub the bathroom floor. Sort your clothes and donate the ones you don't wear anymore.
2. Focus on your hobbies. I'm an avid knitter and when X is gone, I dive into my projects. I'll come home and knit for hours with no distractions and it's great. I also practice my singing without being embarrassed that someone will hear me hitting the wrong notes or singing the same three lines over and over until I get it.
3. Pick up a new activity. I started taking yoga classes twice a week while he's away. It's a great use of my time, it gets me focused on me, and it also gets me out and around other people. I also started playing with adult coloring books, which is soothing and takes up a lot of time to finish a single picture, so it's good on a couple levels.
4. Get physical. Go for a walk. Go play on a swing set. Try a bike ride. Get an exercise DVD from the library and work out in the privacy of your own home. Getting some exercise in gives your body endorphins, so you'll feel good about yourself afterwards. It's hard to be lonely when you feel good.
5. Call a loved one. My Nana can always tell when X is out of town, because I call her more often, but she's always glad to hear from me.
6. Schedule get-togethers with friends. For me, it's knitting nights. I schedule four or five friends to come over and we all knit and eat cookies and talk about yarn. It's something X wouldn't be interested in at all, that I absolutely love, perfect for when he's out of town.
7. Look at it as "me time." Are there shows you like that your partner doesn't? Watch them as much as you like while he's gone. Are there foods you like that he doesn't eat? Make all of them while he's away. Indulge yourself. Really pleasure yourself. If that means getting the breakfast cereal you like that he always eats the last bowl of, you buy a whole box and you eat the stuffing out of it. If that means menage a moi time, turn the lights down, light some candles, and let your hands and toys talk to you.
8. Schedule time (if possible) to connect with your away partner. It is very hard for X to call me when he's in Seattle because there's a three hour time difference and he's working 10 hour days. He's exhausted and by the time he finally gets home, it's time for me to go to bed. The same thing for online chatting - he's just not around or available. But what we can do is email. We'll email each other five or six times a day and that helps us feel connected while we're apart.
9. Treat yourself to something. When X goes out of town, I get pedicures. Does he care if my toes are painted or not? Not in the slightest. But it makes me feel special and pretty when he's not around to make me feel that way, so I treat myself. Maybe you go get a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Maybe you hit up Amazon and buy a new book. Maybe you get a car wash. Do something special to keep your spirits up.
And if nothing else, there's always blogging. :) He gets home tomorrow.
1. Clean. Cleaning is cathartic. It's a great use of energy, it's incredibly satisfying when it's done, and your lover will love coming home to a clean house. Fold some laundry. Scrub the bathroom floor. Sort your clothes and donate the ones you don't wear anymore.
2. Focus on your hobbies. I'm an avid knitter and when X is gone, I dive into my projects. I'll come home and knit for hours with no distractions and it's great. I also practice my singing without being embarrassed that someone will hear me hitting the wrong notes or singing the same three lines over and over until I get it.
3. Pick up a new activity. I started taking yoga classes twice a week while he's away. It's a great use of my time, it gets me focused on me, and it also gets me out and around other people. I also started playing with adult coloring books, which is soothing and takes up a lot of time to finish a single picture, so it's good on a couple levels.
4. Get physical. Go for a walk. Go play on a swing set. Try a bike ride. Get an exercise DVD from the library and work out in the privacy of your own home. Getting some exercise in gives your body endorphins, so you'll feel good about yourself afterwards. It's hard to be lonely when you feel good.
5. Call a loved one. My Nana can always tell when X is out of town, because I call her more often, but she's always glad to hear from me.
6. Schedule get-togethers with friends. For me, it's knitting nights. I schedule four or five friends to come over and we all knit and eat cookies and talk about yarn. It's something X wouldn't be interested in at all, that I absolutely love, perfect for when he's out of town.
7. Look at it as "me time." Are there shows you like that your partner doesn't? Watch them as much as you like while he's gone. Are there foods you like that he doesn't eat? Make all of them while he's away. Indulge yourself. Really pleasure yourself. If that means getting the breakfast cereal you like that he always eats the last bowl of, you buy a whole box and you eat the stuffing out of it. If that means menage a moi time, turn the lights down, light some candles, and let your hands and toys talk to you.
8. Schedule time (if possible) to connect with your away partner. It is very hard for X to call me when he's in Seattle because there's a three hour time difference and he's working 10 hour days. He's exhausted and by the time he finally gets home, it's time for me to go to bed. The same thing for online chatting - he's just not around or available. But what we can do is email. We'll email each other five or six times a day and that helps us feel connected while we're apart.
9. Treat yourself to something. When X goes out of town, I get pedicures. Does he care if my toes are painted or not? Not in the slightest. But it makes me feel special and pretty when he's not around to make me feel that way, so I treat myself. Maybe you go get a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Maybe you hit up Amazon and buy a new book. Maybe you get a car wash. Do something special to keep your spirits up.
And if nothing else, there's always blogging. :) He gets home tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Hello Number One!
So according to the Blogger Data, I get basically one page view every other day. Considering I've done absolutely nothing to publicize this blog, I shouldn't expect anything different. But I do consistently get one page view, which I take to mean that I have one devoted reader who comes back to this blog and checks it out every day or so.
So to my one devoted reader: thanks for reading! Thanks for being a part of this! I can't wait to write more for you!
So to my one devoted reader: thanks for reading! Thanks for being a part of this! I can't wait to write more for you!
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
The Libido and You
Clearly, I like to talk about sex. I also like having sex. I like having sex in many forms and in many styles. That being said, I don't actually get it that often.
X is a very busy man. He commutes an hour one way every day, so he's out of the house by 8am. He works at least an 8 hour day, if not more. He commutes an hour home and gets home at the earliest by 6:30pm, usually 7pm or later. Sometimes he goes running. We have dinner. By the time we've digested and we could even be ready for sex, it's at least 8pm and he's tired. And these are the days when he doesn't have choir meetings (X is on the board for his semi-professional choir. It keeps him very busy for at least two nights a week.). When he has a choir meeting, he leaves the house at 8am and doesn't get home until at least 10pm and all he wants to do is crash. He's tired. He dedicates his heart and soul to his job and to his choir and he gets a lot of work done and helps a lot of people. It's admirable.
Then at least one night a week I have my own choir (we're musical people), so that's one more night out.
But H, you say, what about the weekend? Weekends aren't bad, but they're usually full of chores, yard work, social engagements, more choir stuff (his or mine), and then just trying to relax from the long week we just finished.
It has been three weeks since I had sex last. And I'm a newly wed. Plus, we're going on vacation next week to see my family and you can bet neither of us will be comfortable having sex under my father's roof. And the week after that, X is going to Seattle again. So it is going to be at least five weeks until I get laid again. I love my husband until death do us part, but this bites.
My energy level and libido would let us fit something in probably twice a week. But poor X is just so tired all the time that he just doesn't want to. And when he doesn't want to, no strip tease or kisses will change his mind. He flat out doesn't want to. There is a stereotype out there that men are always aching for sex and that women are always turning them down. This is a flat-out lie. Women can have more active libidos just as often as men can. We can want sex whenever and however often we feel like it.
So how do we handle this?
1. Figure out what you want out of sex. Sex is a complicated thing and people want it for many different reasons. If you want the intimacy, ask for a long kiss or snuggle. If you want the orgasm, masturbate. If you want the endorphins, exercise.
2. Make time for sex. X and I are at the point where we have to schedule it. Is it romantic? Kind of. In a sense, it's not, because it's planned. In a sense it is, because it means we're making each other a priority.
For me, as much as everyone loves a good orgasm, what I want the most out of sex is connection to X and intimacy. So I ask for long kisses that don't go anywhere. When I do this, I'm specific. I say "Give me a three second kiss." and he does and it's great. When we sit on the couch next to each other, I throw a leg over his lap. He may be playing video games, we may be watching "The Big Bang Theory," but it's physical connection.
Some people want sex because they like feeling sexy. You can manage that yourself in a couple ways:
1. Directly ask your partner to tell you he thinks you're sexy. He can do that even if he's not "in the mood" and he can do it on cue, when I really need it.
2. Wear things that make you feel sexy. Fitted sweaters. Matching underwear. Skinny jeans. Lacy socks. Heels. Boots. Mary Janes. Hair up with a pencil. Hair down and curled. Whatever it is that makes you feel sexy, wear it and be happy that you are sexy in your own eyes.
3. Work on your confidence. Confidence is sexy. I feel like a sexy person because that's how I view myself. I think of it as a part of who I am. Yes, I still have days when I feel like a cow in blue jeans, but most days I feel like a curvy goddess, despite seeing my physical flaws. It's taken me years to get to this point and it's an amazing place to be in. I can walk down the street in sneakers and just feel sexy because I'm walking down the street. That's confidence in my body.
Having mismatched libidos gives you a chance to really examine your relationship. Some relationships are based on sex. If you're not both having it at a rate that makes you both happy, tensions emerge and things can get rocky. But some relationships are built on other bonds - compatibility of personality, intellectual matches, love of the same hobbies. If you're not getting something - in this case, sex - out of the relationship, it's a good idea to stop and evaluate what you ARE getting out of the relationship and to appreciate those things. X may not sleep with me whenever I want him to, but he makes me laugh. He challenges me intellectually, he plays games with me, he spends time with me, he treats me well. He's not just my lover, but my companion and my friend. I married him knowing that our libidos weren't matched and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him knowing that.
When you're faced with mismatched libidos, some people will try to get off with other partners. This can either be through an open relationship, a polyamorous relationship, or cheating. The difference is that open and poly relationships are expressions of trust and understanding between all parties involved, while cheating is a violation of expectations and trust. If you do not want to leave your partner, but you absolutely need to have more sex than what you're having, talk to your partner. You may come up with a compromise, like scheduling more sex. You may decide together to have an open relationship. Whatever you decide, so long as it is done with trust, honesty, and open communication, and so long as it works for both partners, it is okay. It is never okay to cheat. If your partner thinks you are being faithful and you cheat, even if you just HAD to get some, you have a problem and you need to talk it out.
(There will be future posts about my very biased view on open and poly relationships.)
Note: IT IS NEVER OKAY TO PRESSURE YOUR PARTNER INTO HAVING SEX. You can try to get your partner in the mood to fool around through music, romance, lingerie, or whatever else turns the two of you on, but if your partner is not interested, that's it. Cool off. Do something else. Watch a show. But IT IS NEVER OKAY TO PRESSURE YOUR PARTNER INTO HAVING SEX. Nor is it ever okay to get mad at your partner for not wanting sex. People work on different schedules. People get tired or have anxiety. And that's okay.
-It is absolutely okay to do some things - kissing, petting, etc. - and then want to stop.
-It is completely okay to start having sex and then to change your mind and decide you don't want to finish.
-It is totally okay to feel too lazy to have sex and just want to masturbate.
-It is always okay to ask for sex so long as you can handle a "No."
X is a very busy man. He commutes an hour one way every day, so he's out of the house by 8am. He works at least an 8 hour day, if not more. He commutes an hour home and gets home at the earliest by 6:30pm, usually 7pm or later. Sometimes he goes running. We have dinner. By the time we've digested and we could even be ready for sex, it's at least 8pm and he's tired. And these are the days when he doesn't have choir meetings (X is on the board for his semi-professional choir. It keeps him very busy for at least two nights a week.). When he has a choir meeting, he leaves the house at 8am and doesn't get home until at least 10pm and all he wants to do is crash. He's tired. He dedicates his heart and soul to his job and to his choir and he gets a lot of work done and helps a lot of people. It's admirable.
Then at least one night a week I have my own choir (we're musical people), so that's one more night out.
But H, you say, what about the weekend? Weekends aren't bad, but they're usually full of chores, yard work, social engagements, more choir stuff (his or mine), and then just trying to relax from the long week we just finished.
It has been three weeks since I had sex last. And I'm a newly wed. Plus, we're going on vacation next week to see my family and you can bet neither of us will be comfortable having sex under my father's roof. And the week after that, X is going to Seattle again. So it is going to be at least five weeks until I get laid again. I love my husband until death do us part, but this bites.
My energy level and libido would let us fit something in probably twice a week. But poor X is just so tired all the time that he just doesn't want to. And when he doesn't want to, no strip tease or kisses will change his mind. He flat out doesn't want to. There is a stereotype out there that men are always aching for sex and that women are always turning them down. This is a flat-out lie. Women can have more active libidos just as often as men can. We can want sex whenever and however often we feel like it.
So how do we handle this?
1. Figure out what you want out of sex. Sex is a complicated thing and people want it for many different reasons. If you want the intimacy, ask for a long kiss or snuggle. If you want the orgasm, masturbate. If you want the endorphins, exercise.
2. Make time for sex. X and I are at the point where we have to schedule it. Is it romantic? Kind of. In a sense, it's not, because it's planned. In a sense it is, because it means we're making each other a priority.
For me, as much as everyone loves a good orgasm, what I want the most out of sex is connection to X and intimacy. So I ask for long kisses that don't go anywhere. When I do this, I'm specific. I say "Give me a three second kiss." and he does and it's great. When we sit on the couch next to each other, I throw a leg over his lap. He may be playing video games, we may be watching "The Big Bang Theory," but it's physical connection.
Some people want sex because they like feeling sexy. You can manage that yourself in a couple ways:
1. Directly ask your partner to tell you he thinks you're sexy. He can do that even if he's not "in the mood" and he can do it on cue, when I really need it.
2. Wear things that make you feel sexy. Fitted sweaters. Matching underwear. Skinny jeans. Lacy socks. Heels. Boots. Mary Janes. Hair up with a pencil. Hair down and curled. Whatever it is that makes you feel sexy, wear it and be happy that you are sexy in your own eyes.
3. Work on your confidence. Confidence is sexy. I feel like a sexy person because that's how I view myself. I think of it as a part of who I am. Yes, I still have days when I feel like a cow in blue jeans, but most days I feel like a curvy goddess, despite seeing my physical flaws. It's taken me years to get to this point and it's an amazing place to be in. I can walk down the street in sneakers and just feel sexy because I'm walking down the street. That's confidence in my body.
Having mismatched libidos gives you a chance to really examine your relationship. Some relationships are based on sex. If you're not both having it at a rate that makes you both happy, tensions emerge and things can get rocky. But some relationships are built on other bonds - compatibility of personality, intellectual matches, love of the same hobbies. If you're not getting something - in this case, sex - out of the relationship, it's a good idea to stop and evaluate what you ARE getting out of the relationship and to appreciate those things. X may not sleep with me whenever I want him to, but he makes me laugh. He challenges me intellectually, he plays games with me, he spends time with me, he treats me well. He's not just my lover, but my companion and my friend. I married him knowing that our libidos weren't matched and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him knowing that.
When you're faced with mismatched libidos, some people will try to get off with other partners. This can either be through an open relationship, a polyamorous relationship, or cheating. The difference is that open and poly relationships are expressions of trust and understanding between all parties involved, while cheating is a violation of expectations and trust. If you do not want to leave your partner, but you absolutely need to have more sex than what you're having, talk to your partner. You may come up with a compromise, like scheduling more sex. You may decide together to have an open relationship. Whatever you decide, so long as it is done with trust, honesty, and open communication, and so long as it works for both partners, it is okay. It is never okay to cheat. If your partner thinks you are being faithful and you cheat, even if you just HAD to get some, you have a problem and you need to talk it out.
(There will be future posts about my very biased view on open and poly relationships.)
Note: IT IS NEVER OKAY TO PRESSURE YOUR PARTNER INTO HAVING SEX. You can try to get your partner in the mood to fool around through music, romance, lingerie, or whatever else turns the two of you on, but if your partner is not interested, that's it. Cool off. Do something else. Watch a show. But IT IS NEVER OKAY TO PRESSURE YOUR PARTNER INTO HAVING SEX. Nor is it ever okay to get mad at your partner for not wanting sex. People work on different schedules. People get tired or have anxiety. And that's okay.
-It is absolutely okay to do some things - kissing, petting, etc. - and then want to stop.
-It is completely okay to start having sex and then to change your mind and decide you don't want to finish.
-It is totally okay to feel too lazy to have sex and just want to masturbate.
-It is always okay to ask for sex so long as you can handle a "No."
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