The Porn Drive

Watching adult films can be pretty hot. Men only get turns on by certain things. Women will get turned on even by seeing animals mating. It's true. It's subconscious, but it's true. Chances are, if the woman in the relationship doesn't have any porn, the man does. Why not share it with each other? Sharing adult videos can give you ideas of what your partner is into and give you ideas of how to satisfy him.

X had an old computer that he kept by the side of the bed for morning news. He didn't use it for anything else and he never moved it because it had terrible battery life and needed to be plugged in. This is a computer in our bedroom, so there's no risk of house guests "popping on to check their email." So why not put it to better use?

That computer is now the Porn Drive. Yes, X still uses it for his morning news. But he's also uploaded and consolidated all his porn so it's now in this collected computer. Any time we need inspiration, we can just roll over, turn it on, browse, and play. No hiding DVDs from friends, no running from the downstairs computer to the bedroom when we're feeling frisky, we just hit "on" and watch. Easy peasy!

If you have a computer that no one but you uses, why not make it a Porn Drive? It's a great use for old laptops that still technically work, but aren't good for much else. You could also use a dedicated tablet for it. Imagine giving a tablet to your lover that's pre-loaded with all the porn you want to share with her? That would be awesome.

Questions?

So far, I've been posting about pretty much whatever's been on my mind. But I'd love to hear from you, the audience! What questions do you have for me? I don't consider myself a sexual expert, but I do consider myself (a) open and (b) experimental. Feel free to ask me either about something I've already blogged about or about a new topic. If I know about it, I'll post. If I don't, I'll experiment and learn so I can report back to you.

What would you like to read about?

Where Does He Get Those Wonderful Toys?

Toys! They're not just for the holidays! They're also for sex!

Toys can be great additions to your sex life, be it enhancing your "menage a moi" time or be it enhancing couples time. The most common toys are dildos and vibrators.

Dildos are insertables designed to stimulate the vagina and/or g-spot. They come in realistic shapes or in just plain smooth shapes. Some come with attachments to stimulate the clitoris at the same time. Some also vibrate. Some rotate. There are as many different kinds of dildos as there are colors in the rainbow. If you're trying a dildo for the first time, get something in the mid-to-smaller range, say 5" or 8". They come upwards of 12" or more and that can get a little...large. Doable, but really freaking large.

Vibrators are typically shaped like small eggs or ovals. They are sometimes attached to a remote, sometimes they're cordless. But they provide just that - vibration. They're great for pretty much anything. You can insert them anywhere or you can use them on the outside. They're great.

So how do you know what's right for you?

My first suggestion is to get up the courage to go to a sex shop. Look up local adult toy stores on Yelp and on Google to get good reviews before going. Any decent toy shop will take toys out of the packaging for you so you can feel them in your hands to feel how firm they are, how much they vibrate, etc. This matters because some of them can be pretty expensive. They're worth the investment if they're well made and if it's a good brand, but you want to know what you're getting out of it.

Too nervous to go to a sex shop by yourself? Grab a friend or a lover and take him with! You can giggle about the silly novelty stuff (fuzzy sex dice? Really?), make mental notes, and then if you're still shy, you can come back another time to make the purchase.

Going with a lover can be a really nice foreplay or a great present for an occasion. Why get you flowers when he can get you a vibrator? Go together, find something nice, let him pay for it and say "Happy Valentine's Day" and then go home and rock out together. It's an amazing date night.

The only problem with brick-and-mortar sex shops is that, like bookstores, their supply is limited to what they can stock and sell. If you want something more specialty or something they just don't have, there is always, always, the internet.

Googling "dildo" or "vibrator" or "sex toys" will get you tons of hits, but two of the best vanilla shops are Babeland and Good Vibrations. They're incredibly sex positive (clearly), they have great selection, and they have lots of customer reviews, which is really helpful when you're shopping online for something. There's even Amazon. (Seriously, what CAN'T you get on Amazon?) For sub-dom toys and furniture, I recommend BDSM Gear. All of their products are very well-made and to the point.

Whenever X travels for work, we usually find a time to get online together via chat (after work hours) and we start  sending each other links of new sex toys we want to try. It keeps us in the mood even though we're three time zones apart and it gives us ideas of what the other person is interested in trying.

So why get toys at all? I mean, what's wrong with what God gave you? Short answer: nothing is wrong with the tools you were given, but maybe you want some variety. I love the way X's penis feels, but my dildo feels different and sometimes I want that different sensation instead, just like sometimes you want Rocky Road ice cream instead of Phish Food ice cream. Some things will provide sensations you just can't get any other way - a good vibrator can be used for all kinds of amazing techniques. If your partner tries to use his hands or mouth to vibrate that much, he will get tired really quickly, while the only limit on the vibrator is the batteries. Toys can also be great for when you're on your period - just use a toy instead of a penis and clean it off in the sink afterwards. Easy peasy.

And don't forget, nothing is stopping you from using more than one stimulator in a session. You could start with a vibrator, then use a dildo, then have coitus, then do oral, all in one session. Just a thought. Have fun!

Say cheese!

At some point in any sexual relationship, one or both partners get the urge to document their playtime, either with a video camera or a regular camera. Here are some thoughts on the matter.

First of all, thanks to the power of honest mistakes and the internet, photos and footage will most likely get out. If you take it on your phone, you can bet someone sometime will start leafing through your footage and discover it. If you use a real video camera, how will you keep that footage safe? If you use a film camera, how will you develop those photos? Some retailers will actually confiscate sexual images; I've had that happen to me. Where will you keep them so that they are safe? If you're using a digital camera, you need to either use a dedicated camera for that purpose (a camera that stays with your toybox) or get the images off the camera and onto a computer, stat. You don't want to forget about them and start a slideshow of your vacation for your loved ones.

Secondly, there is the issue of trust and being a good person. Your girlfriend may seem like the sweetest person right now, but you have no idea how she will act if you two break up. She may decide to show the photos to her friends. She may post the video to the internet. I've dated amazing, wonderful, trustworthy people who turned batshit crazy when the relationship went bad. Is it worth risking that?

Also, don't forget that it is incredibly easy in this day and age to make copies of things. Let's say you break up with said girlfriend and she "gives you back all the photos." Do you know for sure that she didn't make copies? That she didn't scan them to her computer? Think about it. 

Of course, there are some people who actually WANT footage and film to get on the internet. If that's you, great! But just remember two things:
1. Once it goes on the internet, it can never truly be destroyed. There is always sharing, there's always file backups, there's always linking, there's always downloading. The minute you upload it, you have no idea where it will go or what will happen to it. And that means to you.
2. Employers and family members google you. Use a really unusual alias and either don't show your face or your birthmarks or wear a mask. That goes for tattoos and jewelry as well. You may think that the footage doesn't show your foot tattoo, but you may be wrong and your new boss may have just discovered your bondage fetish. Sometimes even your hair, if it's distinctive, can be enough to give you away. And again, as stated in #1, those photos you took during a crazy time in college may come back to haunt you decades later. Be smart. What's worse is if you have a common look. Let's say you rock a light brown bobbed hair cut. You like it. You've been wearing it since high school. You only let one boyfriend take photos of you and he swears he never released them. But your boss is googling around and sees images of someone with your hairstyle in sexual positions. Do you really want to take the chance that said boyfriend kept his word? Be smart.

Years ago, I fooled around with a man who used a wheelchair. We never filmed anything, but we did get to third base. A couple years after that, he decided to make footage of himself and a different brunette messing around and submitted it to a Sexy Gimp Website. He linked it in his blog. A mutual friend of ours, who was also an ex-boyfriend of mine, found it and saw blurry footage of the man and a brunette having sexy time. He immediately contacted me and warned me that there may be sexual images of me out there on the internet. I can't tell you how important it was to be able to securely say "That's not me."

What I have discovered is that whenever I get the urge to film or photo me and X, the best thing I can do is to set up some mirrors in our room. I can watch our playtime as it's happening and get excited by watching the two of us. Is it permanent and something I can look at later? No. But it fills the exhibitionist need and lets me analyze my technique. Plus, it's sexy. And it's totally safe, which is also sexy. You only need one or two full length mirrors to have a lot of fun. Try it out.

Happy Three Months!

This blog has been going for three months! In the scope of other blogs I read, that's basically nothing, but in the scope of what I thought I was capable of, it's pretty awesome. Yay three months!

Typically, around the three month mark is where I fall in love with someone. Now, I have X in my life, we're married, and I've been in love with him for over four years (and still going strong). And that's amazing.

I encourage you to take the time today to tell someone you love them. A lover, a parent, a good friend, a pet, even a tree. Say "I love you" and give them a big hug. It's good for you.

It's Biology - Deal With It.

Menstruation. The Period. Ragging. Aunt Flo. The Crimson Wave. Shark Week. The Red Mask of Death. (I haven't actually heard that one, but I'm going with it.) If it's something you're ashamed of, embarrassed by, grossed out by, or just don't know much about, this post is for you.

First of all, Shark Week is totally natural. How does it work? Seriously, not everyone knows this, and we should, considering 51% of the world has dealt with it or will deal with it at some point or other. So let's discuss it. Basically, every woman has a uterus. Roughly every 4-6 weeks, the uterus builds up a special lining in preparation for a fertilized egg. If an egg is fertilized, it will nestle in the lining and a pregnancy will develop. If there is no fertilized egg, the lining will pass out of the woman's body. That's her period.

This is a totally natural and essential process. If you value any woman who has ever had kids (including your mother), then you must appreciate the period.

A few facts about periods:
1. Girls can first get their periods as early as around age 11, basically at the onset of puberty. They last into menopause, which is somewhere in the 50s.
2. Periods can last anywhere from a couple days to a full week.
3. The blood can be different colors, either very light or very dark, but all some version of red.
4. There will be heavy days and there will be light days.
5. There is an urban legend that you can't get pregnant during your period because you're shedding your lining. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Yes, at some point during your period, you're shedding your egg, but you have no way of knowing at what point during the period you're losing it, so it is possible to have started your period, have unprotected sex, and to get pregnant even though you're on your period. If that's what you want, mazel tov. If not, don't risk it.

Now, since this blog is primarily about sex, how does your sexual life get impacted by your period?

That's entirely up to you and your partner. I've had some partners who were totally fine with Shark Week from the get-go. I've had other partners who were seriously grossed out and had to be trained to think otherwise. But trained they were.

First of all, if you're going to do any messing around at all, invest in some dark towels. They don't have to be black - ours are a deep purple and they're very pretty. But one of the easiest things you can do to keep things tidy is to lay down a towel before you start messing around. It can even be a tip to your partner that you're feeling frisky.

What can you do while on your period? Anything you want. X and I tend to avoid oral (it tastes very salty), but manual and coitus are totally on the table. It's basically natural lube and makes everything slicker. Who doesn't like lube?

But let's say your partner is still grossed out, but you want to have some fun. You have a couple options:
1. Make it all about your partner and drive him up the wall.
2. Use toys on yourself.

Note that the toys can be totally hot. You can use a dildo on yourself while your lover kisses you and plays with your breasts. You can control the speed and depth of the toy and enjoy it as long as you want until you finish or get bored. You're still playing with your partner, but you're also keeping things very clean. After, you just clean off a toy (which you should be doing after each encounter anyway). 

Now, I mentioned training your partner. How do you do that? Find a time when you're on your period and your partner is aroused. Get things going and have some foreplay fun, then put down a towel. If your partner asks what it's for, say something like "In case things get a little messy." Everyone can appreciate that. If that tips your partner off, great. If not, before any real vaginal contact happens, you need to tell your partner you're ragging. This isn't because it's gross, but because it may royally freak your partner out to retract a finger or a penis to find it covered in blood.

So you tell your partner you're on your period, and your partner balks. Here's where the training comes in. Have him touch your labia and your clitoris. Teach him the fun things you can do without actual penetration. Remind him that it still feels good to you and that you don't feel any different to his touch. Once he's comfortable with that, encourage him to penetrate you. Verbalize how good everything feels. Once your partner realizes that you're still the same wonderful, horny partner, he should have no problem continuing.

One thing that can also help is to come up with a code phrase to mean "I am menstruating." I don't actually know anyone who likes the word "menstruating." Seriously, do you like it? It's so clinical. What X and I say is that it's Messy Time. We'll start kissing and I'll tell him "Get the towel - I'm messy." He gets the towel and we keep going. It's as simple as that. That being said, I kind of like the phrase "Shark Week" and that may come into rotation as well. I know a woman who would go off her birth control on a Tuesday (so she'd start her period shortly thereafter). She just referred to her period as "Tuesday" all week. It can be anything you want, so long as it's clear between you and your partner.

Let's say you do stain something. This is not the end of the world. If you can, just throw it in the wash right away on a cold/cold cycle. If you use hot water, it will cook the blood into the material and you'll never get it out. So only cold water. If you don't have easy access to laundering facilities, soak the stain in cold water with a little dish soap rubbed directly into the stain. Problem solved.

Finally, if your period is unpredictable at all, I encourage you to invest in red and black undies. They can be cute, they can be sexy, and any staining just blends right in. I have about eight pairs of black undies, all with fun embellishments (lace panels, zebra print border, etc.) that I wear because they make me feel pretty, but I can save for messy days and they save me a world of trouble.

Your period is a part of you. Any long-term partner needs to be comfortable with it. Take him with you next time you need feminine supplies. Better yet, send him to the store to get them while you stay home with ice cream (just make sure to show him the box you like to be absolutely sure you're getting the kind you want. No one likes getting the wrong feminine supplies.)

Speaking of feminine supplies, let's talk about them. Pads and tampons. More "taboo" words. So let's talk about them! Some women use one, some women use the other, some women use both.

Pads come in different widths, thicknesses, and lengths, depending on what you need. Some of them are just liners while others are full blown thick. Some come with wings that wrap around your panties to hold them into place. It totally depends on what you want them for. Some women rely solely on pads, for whatever reason. My best friend has a thick hymen and basically can't use tampons without a lot of pain, so she only uses pads. One advantage of pads is that it's easy to tell exactly how full they are and when you need to change them - you just look.

Tampons are even more varied than pads and are a little more complicated. First, using them. There is a technique to it, if you've never tried. WikiHow has an awesome article, complete with pictures, that clarifies this. You can find it here. For the record, the first time I used tampons, I didn't have this article or even my mother's guidance. I pulled out the directions from the box and read them. Old school.

Tampons come in different shapes and styles. Some have flushable applicators, some are plastic and need to be thrown away. My favorite tampons ever are the Playtex Sport. They come in different strengths for lighter or heavier days (as do most brands). But what I like most about them is that instead of the tampon just being a solid tube of cotton, it flowers out as you apply it to better fit. It's extremely comfortable, even if I'm being active (dancing, yoga, walking, running, etc).

I always wear liners, even if I'm wearing a tampon and here's why: experience can tell you when you need to change a tampon, but if your flow isn't regular, you don't have a really good way of knowing when it's time to change a tampon. Enter the liner. I just wait until I see stains on the liner and then I change them both. It's simple and it keeps my undies clean.

That's it! But to return to my original point: society tells us that our periods should be secret, that we should hide whenever we have them and restrict ourselves from doing the activities we love. Some cultures even consider a woman ragging - and anyone who touches her - unclean. This is total bullshit. It's one of the most natural processes there are. Having a regular period means you have a healthy reproductive system - who doesn't want that? (Note: if you don't have a period for three months or more, consult an OB/GYN. You may be pregnant or you may be having problems with your plumbing. Either way, get medical help to sort things out.) Periods can be gross, yes. They're certainly messy. But they're not the end of the world and they certainly don't have to mean the end of your sex life.

EDIT: One last tip to the ladies: Keep track of when you're on your cycle so you know what to expect. What I do is I draw a tiny circle in my planner for a light flow day and a dark circle for a heavy flow day. Doing this for a few months will let you better anticipate your cycle and how to manage it. Bye!

Let's Play Dress Up!

There is a stereotype that all men are driven wild by lingerie. They love red, pink, and black, satin and lace. They love little school girl outfits and tiny Santa skirts during the holidays. Not all men are like this. Some are, yes, and some aren't. Outfits and lingerie can be a great way to set the tone of a session or to add a little bit of spice. If you're doing any role playing, it can definitely help. It also doesn't have to be a huge investment. Playing the stern school marm? Put your hair in a bun with a pencil and bring a ruler. That's what, three bucks for the pencil and the ruler? Playing the cheerleader? Get some knee-high socks and wear a crop top (which you can make with a white tee shirt and a pair of scissors). You may choose to go all out in your outfits, and that's fine, but if you're broke or lazy, you can also just suggest it. You and your partner are already using your imagination when creating a scenario. You can extend that imagination a little further into the outfits, too.

But what about standard lingerie? My boyfriend before X loved it. I'd get satin babydolls for him and he just went wild. X doesn't give a hoot about slips and lace. Like, at all. Does nothing for him. He likes me naked. But if I'm going to dress up, he likes black, fishnet, and leather. (classic sub). So I have a box of neglected lingerie. If I meet him naked in bed, he likes that the best. When you're learning what a partner wants, feel free to just ask what they like! If your partner is shy or not very creative, give him options. Say "Would you rather see me in a black corset or a red teddy?" "Which do you like better, satin or leather?" Help guide him to a place of dress-up. Just make sure that whatever you propose for your partner's options is something you're actually willing to wear. For example, I will never wear a school girl outfit because I was a Catholic school girl for ten years and I just don't get it. I mean, if X pleaded, I'd consider it, but I don't find it sexy in the slightest. (Fortunately, neither does he.)

But there's another side to this, a side which deserves recognition. When we put on outfits of any kind, we change our behavior in subtle ways. That's part of why Halloween is so popular - we like to dress up and put on personas. It's also why we have different dress codes for work and church versus casual clothes. We act more professional when we're wearing more professional clothes. It's true. A study was once done in which three groups of people took an intelligence test. These groups of people were alike in all ways except that one group wore jeans and tee shirts, one group wore artists' smocks, and one group wore doctors' lab coats. The "doctors" scored way higher on the intelligence test. We act differently depending on what we're wearing.

The fact is that while X doesn't find lace and satin sexy, I DO. And my opinion matters, too. It helps me get in the mood when I dress up a little bit for him. Sometimes that just means wearing matching lacy undies under my jeans and sweaters; when I take off the sweater, I know I look good and that matters to me. So if there's something you want to wear because it makes you feel sexy, be it a catsuit, knee high boots, or a plumber's overalls, it's okay to wear it to satisfy your own needs. Pay attention to your needs. We all want to satisfy our partners, but we also need to make ourselves satisfied, and that starts with getting in the right mood. That starts with feeling sexy. And that can mean sexy clothes.

Also, talk to your partner about what "casual" (not lingerie or role play outfits) clothes your partner likes. X likes me in casual dresses, but he also just loves jeans and tee shirts (seriously, how lucky am I?) That being said, he also appreciates a knee-high leather boot. I'm not willing to wear a corset on a day-to-day basis, but I am willing to change up my footwear for him, so just for him, I just got a new pair of pleather boots. We're going out for dinner on Friday and I fully intend to wear them for him. They hint that I'm a sexual person to my lover without screaming to the world "WE HAVE INTERCOURSE."

You can also find out what scents or hairstyles your partner likes. This can backfire though. For example, X loves bangs, the kind that cut straight across the forehead. Think Mia from Pulp Fiction. I have curly hair; there is no way my hair would ever do that. So I just have to accept that I can never pull off that look for him. (Fortunately, he also loves brunettes and I have very dark brown hair, so I win on that front.)

Just don't forget in all your exploring the world of dress-up that it's also important to do and wear what makes you feel sexy. Your ideas matter too. I have a tattoo on my foot and I feel incredibly sexy when I show it. Does anyone really pay that much attention to my feet? Probably not. But I notice it and that's enough for me. Find hairstyles or scents that make you feel sexy. Paint your nails bright red. Or black. Or whatever color you like. Try your hair in different styles - even parting it on the other side can make a difference. Play! Have fun! Experiment! Most of all, be you. Remember, that's who your partner finds sexy above all else: you. So be you.

Baby Got Back(door)

Anal play. Let's talk about it. In the end, it's no more gross than sex (which is actually pretty gross, but is still awesome).

Basically, there are two ways to pleasure an anus: insertables or mouth. Insertables can be fingers, penises, toys, vibrators, beads, or anything else you decide to stick up there. Mouth is just that: kissing, licking, nibbling, or nuzzling. I have never actually used my mouth on someone's anus because I find that gross, even if the person just showered, I still have a hard time getting over the stigma. Plus, I wonder how awkward it is trying to get my face between two butt cheeks. If anyone out there has experience with this, please weigh in on the effect, techniques, pros and cons, etc.

But I have used insertables, both on myself and on a partner, so we're going to talk about that. Yes, I've had butt sex. And I have to say, it's different than vaginal sex, but it is still pleasurable. I like it when I'm feeling a bit rougher just because you can go to town with very little "damage" done. It is easier, granted, with someone who has a skinnier penis. Length isn't really a component, but girth definitely is. Just something to think about.

Positions that work well for anal sex are doggy-style (naturally), but also woman-on-top. As a matter of fact, woman-on-top may be better for your first time because you can control the speed and depth involved and be a little more in control of what is going on.

As for using insertables on a partner, I've tried using fingers on a couple different partners. And it's hot. There's something incredibly sexy about penetrating a partner and feeling the motions of your body echoing in theirs. It's also intimate as well - you're literally going inside someone, so respect that power.

Technique for fingers:
1. Start with just one finger and insert it slowly. When X and I first start anal play, I can only get my finger in to about the first knuckle. And that's okay! You cannot rush anal unless you want to traumatize your partner. Eventually, I can get my whole finger in, but it takes moving a little, resting so he can get used to the sensation, and then moving a little more. Take your time.
2. Movement is a good sensation. Try wiggling your finger and pulsing deeper. In and out motion doesn't work as well because the muscles react very fast and you're basically snapping them back into place every time you retract and forcing them apart again every time you go deeper. It's better just to find a good location and stay that deep until you're done.
3. Once your partner is used to one finger, you can remove it and try again with two. I haven't done more than two, but even two seems to be pushing it with my partners.
4. When you're withdrawing, GO SLOWLY. Again, when you withdraw, the muscles snap back into place. Do that too quickly and it will hurt your partner.

Grossed out, but intrigued by anal sex? Condoms are your friend! Even if you're fluid-bonded to your partner, it may be a good idea; even if you're fooling around in the shower, there may be a little bit of debris left on the insertable after use. You could clean the insertable off right away with soap and water, or you could just use a condom on the insertable and throw it away afterwards. X and I use expired condoms for my fingers. What else are we going to use them for? If you're planning to alternate between vaginal and anal sex, remember: you can go from vaginal to anal, but never the other way around. If you're planning to go from anal to vaginal, you need to clean the insertable or get a fresh condom. Just like cleaning yourself after using the toilet, front to back is safe, but never back to front.

If you want to try anal play, but you're not quite sure how to get into it, first broach the idea with your partner while both of you are of sound mind....then actually try it out (once you have sober permission) when you're a bit drunk. Why? (A) Because your inhibitions are a little lowered and it's easier to try something new. (B) Because alcohol relaxes your muscles and will make it easier to get something in. Another good idea is to try it during a co-shower - it's much easier to clean up after (yay soap and water!).

If you're not sure if you want your partner to try anal play on you, definitely play with yourself first to get an idea. First get yourself warmed up with general masturbation to get yourself in the mood. Then once you're feeling frisky, try it out. Try reaching from both between your legs and behind yourself to see what works best for you. Try it lying on your front and on your back. Remember motion is pleasurable, so wiggle your fingers and give it a shot.

There are cremes out there that will relax or numb anal muscles for you. If you want to try them, remember, apply it to the anus and give it a few minutes to sink in. After that, feel free to go to town with insertables, but don't ever use your mouth after you've used one of these cremes or you could end up with numb lips or tongue. Plus, they usually taste gross.

Have fun!

(Side note: when I was in college, I took a class called Human Sexuality. One of our assignments was to read a book on sexuality, any part of it, and write a review. At the time, I'd never done anything with anal, but I was intrigued by it, so I read a book on anal play. The intro lauded the anus, glorified the anus as a neglected sex organ. It ended the intro by proudly exclaiming "Love your anus!" It's hokey, but it's true. We love the cock and it both ejaculates and urinates. The anus defecates, but just like the penis, it can also be a playtime place. Love your anus!)