He just doesn't like it!

X and I had a heart-to-heart yesterday that left me in a difficult place. Most of our play time sessions go like this: he takes care of me, I tie him up and do other things to him, we have sex (but he doesn't finish) and I finish him with fellatio. It works for us as a routine, but it also means we haven't tried any other positions in years because he's usually tied up by then. And missionary is pretty impossible if you can't move your arms or legs.

So what I asked him was if he actually likes coitus. He never finishes (although that's also a question of being paranoid about pregnancy) and it goes on for as long as I want. He said he doesn't mind it, but it's not his favorite, no. So what do you do with a partner that doesn't like "sex"?

1. Acknowledge that sex is more than just coitus. There is so much more that can bring pleasure. There's kissing and petting. There's manual. There's oral. There's nipple play and butt play. There's BDSM play. There's reading each other erotica. There's masturbation (mutual or otherwise). There's watching porn. There's a whole lot of things one can do that are "sex" without being a penis in a vagina.

2. Acknowledge that it's okay to be selfish. He doesn't mind it, but I like it. So why not keep doing it? It's a service to me that he doesn't mind doing. So it's okay to keep indulging.

3. Focus on what other things you like to do together. X is great with his mouth, something I don't take advantage of enough. One thing we used to do a lot of is he'd lie on his back, I'd sit on his face and pin his arms down with my knees. I get oral pleasure, he gets a little bit of bondage, and everyone wins. We should do that more often.

For me, the most important part about sex is the connection I feel with X and being close to him. If the coitus isn't that great, that's okay! We can still be there for each other in other ways. He's still a caring and loving partner and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else.

Diagnosis #2 - Conclusive!

I finally saw my OBGYN on Monday for my breast pain. She did detect a cyst in the right breast, but nothing in the left (so primary doctor doesn't fully know what he's talking about). She also said that sometimes this is just a part of aging, which took me back. I mean, I'm 33, but I think like I'm 29. I still feel young. I still feel like I have the world in front of me. Aging? Really?

She prescribed evening primrose oil for me to take twice daily. You can get it at GMC. Or you can send your husband to get it for you, like I did. I've been taking it faithfully and I do see a difference. The "pain" has gone down to just a tenderness and I can work with that. Who knows where it will be by the end of next week (when I will have taken the primrose oil for two weeks)?

In the meantime, sex is back on! X and I haven't been intimate for six weeks and that needs to change. We have nothing to do this weekend and I have great plans for him involving a red lace cami for me and leather straps for him.

Soon I'll give you guys a post on the effects and beauty of aging. Stay tuned!

Opposites Attract

So X and I have been taking Argentine tango lessons for about six weeks now. I absolutely love it. I love the intimacy of it, the subtlety of it. I love the movements and the music. X...not so much. He's decided it's just not his thing and he doesn't want to do it anymore. I respect that. It's just one more thing X and I don't have in common.

We are actually very, very different for a married couple. He gets up around 7:30. I sleep in til 10. He goes to bed around 10pm, latest. I like to stay up til midnight. I like trying new foods, he doesn't. I love dancing. He dances just to satisfy me. He loves computers. I'm lucky I know what a monitor is. He's majorly into politics. I'm lucky I know who the Vice President is. He's dedicated to his choir. I go to mine maybe twice a month. So we're very different people.

Is this a bad thing? Far from it! Being so different encourages us to grow in ways we wouldn't without each other. Take the politics thing. I now listen to political talk radio and I've started watching the presidential debates - Republican and Democrat alike. His enthusiasm encourages me to learn about it.

Take the dancing thing. X is now a beautiful ballroom dancer. He's not always into the same styles I am - see the Argentine thing for an example - but he dances really well and does great in ballroom. We're the talk of the town when we go out together. People come up to us and compliment us on our dancing - and I couldn't do that without him.

Take the BDSM thing. I had only dabbled in blind folds and ropes before him. Now they're standard, I have multiple whipping/beating instruments, and we're trying new things all the time. By being different and being willing to share his world with me, he opens mine and helps me grow as a person.

But H, you say, how can you be a couple if you are different in so many ways? We're alike in the ways that matter. We value the same things in life and in people. We value the qualities, if not always the habits or hobbies, of the other person. Neither of us wanted a ball and chain. We wanted a partner. And partners can work independently of each other.

We have separate friends, too. I see A and K for dinner at least once a month, but X still has a hard time telling them apart. Before we go to see his work friends, I always get X to remind me of their names. And that's okay! Just because you're married, your worlds do not have to become one.

And this doesn't mean I'm not crazy about him, because I really am. He's a devoted, loving, strong, independent, smart, caring, clever, funny man and I love him to bits. And he feels the same way about me. Being married doesn't mean you become one unit. It means you become a team. And we make a great team.

For those of you considering a new relationship - be it a friendship or a romance - look at the externals, sure, but look past that. X doesn't love my tattoo (or the fact that I want to get more), but he loves that I got it because I was passionate about dancing. I don't love politics, but I love his fire for it and it encourages me to learn more about the world around me.  X doesn't care about my knitting, but he knows I love it and so he supports me in my art and craft.

If you go beyond the "what they do" into the "why they do it," you may find amazing people.

Diagnosis #1 - Error!

Continuing with my breast pain story, I saw my primary care physician this morning. I've only seen him once before for a routine physical, so I didn't fully trust him, but I had no reason NOT to trust him, so I thought I'd give it a go. He examined my breasts and told me I had multiple cysts in both breasts, which could be contributing to the pain. He said PMS can make these inflamed, but that it should go away. Just to be sure, he sent me for an ultrasound.

I was able to get the ultrasound same day, only an hour later. Go efficient health care! And, doubly efficient, they were able to give me the results right there: no cysts. No tumors or growths either, but no cysts. So we know a few things:

1. Primary care physician is a quack.
2. I don't have cancer.
3. We still don't know why I'm having pain.

Next stop was to call my OBGYN, Dr. M., who I trust completely. She wouldn't be able to see me until next week. Her nurse felt like that was too long, so they're getting me in with a midwife on Monday, who will most likely send me for a mammogram.Yay? (Mammograms hurt.) No, this is a "yay." It's more data so we can figure out what's wrong with me.

In the meantime, sex is definitely off the table. X likes to spend most of his time on my boobs and the way they are now, they can't handle pressure. Fortunately, X is incredibly understanding. He hasn't pressured me at all. We still kiss, we still snuggle at night time, and we're still a great team.

EDIT: The Primary called to tell me about the results of the ultrasound (which I already knew). He stuck with his original diagnosis and said the cysts were too small for the ultrasound to pick up. He also said the pain should just go away on its own. I'm still going for my second opinion on Monday. Quack. 

Update on Life

Sorry I've been away for so long, peoples. Two important things have happened in my life and I'm going to divert from the usual sex talk to share.

1. I got a cat! Her name is Ripley. She's an absolute badass, except that she loves to snuggle. She's amazing.

2. For the past three weeks or so, I've had soreness in my breasts, accompanied by occasional stabbing pains. This is not due to muscle strain or a bad bra or anything like that. It just happens for seemingly no reason. If I press on my breasts with my fingers, they stay sore for a good minute. Sometimes the skin around the same area feels incredibly itchy to the point of painful, but then that also goes away. This is not normal.

Coincidentally, I am also about three weeks late on my period, so for a minute I thought I might be pregnant. One in a million chance. X and I have only had sex once in the past six weeks, we used a condom, and he didn't even finish. So one in a million chance. Just to make sure, I took a pregnancy test and, sure enough, negative. So we're left with not knowing where this pain is coming from or why.

I've got all sorts of crazy ideas about cancer running through my head, even though pain isn't one of the typical symptoms of cancer. But I don't know much about boob conditions, so this will be a chance to learn.

I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow and will hopefully either get an answer or get a referral to get a mammogram or an ultrasound or something like that.

Well wishes, kind thoughts, and prayers are appreciated while we figure out what's plaguing me. In the meantime, I have a very snuggly cat to pet.

Magic Wand Follow-Up

I had a quick debriefing (heh) with X about how it felt when I used the Magic Wand vibrator on his anus and scrotum. Apparently awesome. This is a toy that works for both genders! For all body parts! Give it a try!

New Toy!

I felt like getting myself a treat, so I went for a new toy that I've heard so much about: the Hitachi Magic Wand. And, because I'm a girl who likes penetration, I went for the Pop Your Top Deluxe Kit from Good Vibrations. The Kit consists of a Hitachi Magic Wand, a G-spot silicone attachment, and lube.

But what, dear friends, is a Magic Wand? Well, it looks like a giant microphone with a flexible head. What it does is delivers massive vibration. It only has two speeds, but I only needed to use the lighter one. Fair warning: the vibration power is huge. I had to pad my vulva with a folded washcloth to get it to a comfortable place. But once I did, it was really nice. The head is big enough that it covers the whole vulva and the vibrations are powerful enough that they stimulate all parts at the same time. It can be a little overwhelming and you definitely need some padding to dilute the vibration, but it's pretty awesome.

The version that came with my kit does need to get plugged into the wall, but there are also cordless and chargeable ones on the market. Just look around.

What about the silicone attachment? It's pure silicone, so I had a slightly hard time getting it in; I'm pretty muscular, so my muscles pushed against the silicone and without a hard core, it was a little tricky getting it in. But once I did, it was great. It definitely delivered the vibrations internally as well as still externally. Vibration Palace!

I'd definitely recommend this kit to anyone wanting to take some time for themselves. It can easily be used with a partner or solo. I also used it (with the washcloth) on X' anus and he seemed to like that as well. Give it a shot!

(I haven't tried the lube that came with it because I have plenty of lube of my own, so I can't speak to it, but you only get about two ounces of it anyway, so it's not the focus of this kit by far.)

Also, I can easily see the Magic Wand being useful for regular massage around the neck, shoulders, lower back, etc. Multi purpose tool!