Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Easing Into It

So you want to start playing with bondage. You want your partner to start tying you up, maybe blindfolding you. Super! But how do you broach the topic with your partner? Unless you have super-duper mind control powers, or a really adventurous partner, you can't rely on your partner to dominate you on your own. So you need to talk about it.

Here are some basic steps to start getting someone to dominate you.

1. Be assertive. I know - what? I have to be assertive to be submissive? It's true. You have to be clear about what you want and you have to communicate it to your partner. Don't just say "I'm interested in bondage, wanna try it?" That's vague and leaves your partner guessing as to what you actually want. Be clear about what behaviors you want to see. And don't be embarrassed or ashamed! You want to experiment in your playtime. There's nothing wrong/bad/dirty about that.

2. Start small. Sure, in your eventual world, you may want the whole leather-clad kit and caboodle, but start with something small and achievable to get your partner involved. Start with "I'd love it if you tied me up with your belt." or "It would be sexy if you blindfolded me with that scarf you like to wear." Get your partner used to one thing at a time, make it part of your sexy vocabulary, before adding on.

3. Use "I" statements. This is something therapists tell you, but it's true. I Statements talk about your needs and wants instead of demanding something out of your partner that she may or may not be willing to give. Look at the difference between these two phrases:
1. You should tie me up.
2. I'd like it if you tied me up.
#1 is a command and puts all the burden on your partner. All it shows is that there is a lack of something - a lack of tying up. It puts the focus and the demand on your partner in an uncomfortable way. Also, you want your partner to be the dominant one, so why are you commanding her? #2 is an I Statement that talks about what you need and want without putting any demand on your partner. It offers a solution rather than just stating a problem. It also tells your partner how to make you happy. Unless it's a seriously dysfunctional relationship, your partner deep down wants to make you  happy. You're a lot more likely to get something out of your partner if she thinks it will make you happy.

4. Be specific. If you just say to your partner, "I'd like it if you tied me up" (using your positive, proactive I Statements), that leaves your partner wondering "With what?" How? Do I need to know knotwork?" So offer solutions. There are plenty of household items that can be used to tie someone up or blindfold them. Scarves, belts, and ties are perfect intro items. Suggest them. Even better...

5. Supply the necessities. My partner has very particular tastes, but he also has the toy chest to back it up. When he first introduced me to bondage, he already had ropes, cuffs, and locks. I didn't have to do much thinking. I just had to apply them. If you know you want to get into, for example, being tied up, get some ties you don't mind abusing, grab some rope from a supplier, or go for the gold and buy a pair of cuffs. This also saves you from comments like "You want me to do what with this scarf? My grandmother gave me this scarf right before she died! It's an antique and I love my gramma!" Yeah. Just avoid that.

One way to really ease your partner into it is to suggest she do the things you want without props or toys. For example, you want to be blindfolded? Ask your partner to cover your eyes with one hand. Gagged? Cover your mouth. Tied up? If X is on his back and I'm straddling him, I can use my body weight to pin his arms above his head pretty easily, and I'm no body builder. It's all about leverage. Trying any of these things out without props gives your partner the freedom to really try it out and to stop if anything seems weird. It also gives her ability to control the situation a little more - she decides how long to gag/blindfold/whatever for before stopping. After you do these things for a few sessions without props, you can introduce the props as a way of making her life easier. "Hey, you know how I like you to cover my eyes? What if you just use this ski mask I have? I think it could make it easier for you."

You may be surprised what your partner has already thought of or already likes to play with. Remember, introduce the topics in a clear, specific, non-confrontational way using positive I Statements. Who knows where it can go?

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